Clarisse: Part One

Goodbye old blog. Hello new blog.

2005-09-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

It's time to move spaces...time to change sceneries. I'm switching to this new spot (http://www.cla-sy.blogspot.com). Besides there are some minor glitches in this old blog of mine that I am not so keen on fixing. So there.

My Weekday and Weekend

2005-08-27T02:01:00.000-07:00

This week has been a good one. I took the half day off at work on Tuesday. I had a valid excuse though since I had to go to the dentist to get my retainers. I got to go home early for a change! If you could only see me grinning from ear to ear now. That’s how happy I am. Babaw ba? Hehe Then I spent Thursday and Friday attending seminars-orientations at work. These are the last of the several trainings and seminars that I had to take after which I would no longer be officially called a new hire. I’m now as regular as a regular employee can be if that makes sense at all. I had a good time, a very good experience indeed. It was nice meeting new people from different departments. I was the only one from my department so I had no choice but to interact, whether I like it or not. My people skills were definitely put to test. Surprisingly I was more at ease and more comfortable than usual.

Aside from having a good work week, I got to meet old friends as well whom I haven’t seen for the longest time. Jane and Krizia are finally back. Yehey!! It’s been almost more than a year now since we’ve last seen each other. I already miss our lunches, outings, our intimate and not so intimate conversations together. Jane’s not staying that long though. Boohoo. I’m looking forward to our dinner this Tuesday…Red! Big time na si Jane. Haha While they’re back, Kim and Ro naman will be leaving for China next week. I was supposed to go with them too but I didn’t get the green light from my mom. :( Anyways, I had lunch with them today together with Lizsa and Kathryn at Masa’s and went to the Vintage Bazaar afterwards at Rockwell. The place was jam packed. I really didn’t get the chance to shop because there were people, loads of people everywhere which was good in away since I didn’t have to spend away my hard-earned earnings on unnecessary stuffs. I got to buy one top though. Hehe

Also had dinner awhile ago with the Ateneo peeps at Greenhills Promenade. It has also been awhile since we all got together. With work and the different schedules that we all have, it’s hard to bring everyone together in one place unlike when we were still studying, parang ang dali lang to make plans. Now that we’re out of college and all working, it takes double effort just to keep in touch with everybody. The more I get older, the more I realize how much I value and appreciate the existing relationships that I’ve been able to maintain with several people, at the same time realize the importance of time and effort put into building new ones. Haay…I feel so old na. Hehe

It's greener over this side..

2005-07-19T22:11:00.000-07:00

If there is such a thing as a “work birthday”, I’ll be turning one next month. It’s been that long already since I was introduced to the REAL real world. I’m still not sure which one is better or should I say worst, school or work. I still can’t decide on that one yet. Work would probably be better than school if only I wasn’t as clueless as I am now with my career. One minute I want to be in the corporate world. Next minute I want to be an entrepreneur. Who knows maybe next week I’d want to be a zookeeper or something?! Layo ata nun…Hehe

I used to want to study abroad. And since the plan didn’t materialize, I now want to work abroad instead. And with the current situation in the country, there are a lot of people who have the same plan as I do. More opportunities for a better life they say. We always think “it’s greener on the other side”. But thinking about it now, I don’t think I’d still find satisfaction or peace of mind even if I go abroad. I’m most definitely sure when I do get to my destination or wherever, it’ll be another “it’s greener on the other side” episode again.

I should just be grateful for what I have now. If I let myself be ruled by this kind of mentality then I will never be truly happy. It isn't that bad anyway. It’s actually more than, greater than, to the highest nth exponential okay. It’s all a matter of perspective really. Why go to the other side of the fence when I can actually fix my side and make it better? And who says it’s greener on the other side when I’ve thicker and greener grass on my side? I’ll even plant flowers on it just so it’ll not only be greener but more colorful as well. Happiness is not found in things or in places; that kind of happiness is usually of the fleeting kind. It'll last only as long as it takes to have another mid-year or end-of-season sale. That fast! Happiness is a personal choice. I don’t have to postpone it. I can be happy if I choose and want to be happy wherever, whenever, and whatever the circumstances may be.

No Title in Particular

2005-07-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

The phones are finally working and DSL is up again. If I only knew that threatening PLDT was the solution to have our phone lines up and running again, I would have done so earlier on. For more than a month now, we’ve been continuously following up on PLDT. They keep on saying they’re already at it but without any progress. And it took only one call...just one call! We told PLDT to just disconnect everything. Discontinue the service! We won't pay! Who wants to pay for a service that sucks right? They said to give them three days. I didn’t know what they pulled out of their sleeve. Whatever it is, it worked. So now you know what to do if in the future your phones don't work. Give PLDT an ultimatum! ;)

Hello Garci?

The rallies in Makati are not doing us any good at all. They say today’s rally was the biggest so far. There’s another one coming this July 25. I really don’t think GMA would give in that easily. For one, the rallies lack support from the middle class which I think holds the strongest voice. Unlike Edsa 2, the recent rallies are nothing but hordes of people you know were just paid to be there. Second, there’s no other successor who is suitable enough to become president. Not that I’m in favor of GMA, it’s just that who else would be a better replacement? None. So I’d rather stick it out with the current president than have a new one in place who barely knows a thing about running the country. Whatever the outcome will be—impeachment or no impeachment, I just hope they get it done and over with. The economy is taking a hard beating from all these political brouhahas. The peso is of no value anymore and it continues to devaluate each day as the political situation worsens. I don’t want to come to a point that I would want to get out and live in another country. My friends who are now in other parts of the world are having doubts already of coming back. I don’t blame them, there’s nothing to come back to anyway. But I’m still going to be optimistic about it. For whatever good is left of it, I still love the Philippines. And I will not leave. As if naman din I have the means. Hehe

Horosccope for the Day

2005-07-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

This is what my horoscope says, "Try not to be so serious and intense today, dear Scorpio. Walk with a lighter step and don't feel like you always need to be in control of every single thing you come in contact with. Take more of a go-with-the-flow attitude and you will be in exactly the place you need to be. Extreme actions will lead to extreme consequences, and there is no need for that sort of behavior."

How apt and so true. It's right on target.

Closing Cycles

2005-06-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

This one's from Paolo Coehello again. He must have been reading my mind! Hehe Kim sent this to me a few months back. And now that I had received the same thing in my inbox (this time by Marge, my officemate ), it seems to be reminding me to start closing cycles. I promise I will. Not yet now but soon.

Closing Cycles
By Paolo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important(however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

It's on Animal Planet

2005-06-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

Stop thinking all the time that you’re in the way, that you’re bothering the person next to you. If people don’t like it, they can complain. And if they don’t have the courage to complain, that’s their problem. You’re afraid to lose your dignity. But what’s dignity? It’s wanting everyone to think you’re good, well-behaved, full of love for your fellow man. Have some respect for nature, watch a few films about animals, and see how they fight for their own space.

I got this excerpt from Paolo Coehello. It makes a whole lot of sense to me. If there’s one thing I’ve recently learned, it’s asking—from asking a simple question, whether intelligent or dumb to asking a huge favor from somebody, and even to asking someone else out. Well, the last one I haven’t done yet. I’m still mustering enough courage. I’ve always been one who hates and if possible, avoids hassling people since I myself don’t want to be hassled by others. As a result of not wanting to hassle and be hassled, I usually end up doing things and answering questions on my own even without having the faintest idea whatsoever. I had to resort to mere assumptions, wild guesses, trial and errors, gut feel (even if it isn’t as reliable), fortune telling (haha!), and what have you. It’s a hit or miss thing. Though I’ve had my fair share of hits, I would have to say the hits are still outnumbered by the misses I’ve experienced. And it’s all because of not having the guts to ask. The same goes for wanting—from wanting to own something whether small or big, to wanting to do something because I just feel like doing so, to wanting to just be without anyone imposing on me.

Stumbling upon this excerpt of Coehello sort of reaffirmed what I needed to do; that is to stop thinking and start learning to ask and want without any guilt or apprehension whatsoever. After all, people can always complain if they really want to. So starting from hereon, I got to be a kick-ass lioness roaring like hell ruling over her space in the jungle.

Madam Purita's Crystal Ball

2005-05-24T16:13:00.000-07:00

I wonder how accurate fortune telling and the other psychic stuffs are. My sister and I had a kick out of our “fortune readings” last weekend at Eastwood. Madam Purita, our fortuneteller had a lot of good things to say. I have to give props to her since she got some of the details right without me telling her, but you could tell also a lot of her “hulas” were just plain “bola” but amusingly funny though. Upon sitting down, she told me right away that I would get married next year. So that leaves me a few more months before finding the one. At the rate I’m going, it looks like it’s going to be a whirlwind romance then. I don’t think so. She further predicted that I would leave soon, probably by August or September. I asked her where. She answered Taiwan right off the bat. I wonder where in the world she got that one. In fairness to her though, I have planned on going to China to study this August. Unfortunately it didn’t push through. Madam Purita would have totally impressed me if she had guessed this accurately. She was able to guess though that I have a sister who’s living abroad. At first, it didn’t sink in since she said living. But then I remembered Candice who’s now in HK training…so it’s close enough. She was also able to guess that we were four siblings in total. She had the 4 of Hearts (or was it diamonds?) up in the table. That I had to admit was a good one.

The 15-20 minutes reading was an entertaining one. Most of the predictions have been made towards the future so I wouldn’t know if it is accurate or not. I would have to see in the next couple of months and validate Madam Purita’s claims. Surprisingly it was a feel good kind of thing. She had me ask questions without saying it aloud and she would answer it with a positive or negative answer. I’m crossing my fingers it’s not all bull. Hehe It’s an ego booster, I tell you. Hearing nice things one after another makes you want to look forward and move forward. Even if it’s not 100% true or accurate, it’s still sort of encouraging to hear the things that you want to hear. Sometimes though it doesn’t hurt to believe and be hopeful, just as long you don’t cross the borderline of being a fanatic to the point of letting the predictions totally control and affect your everyday decisions.

In A Balloon Situation

2005-05-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

If I could put my current situation into an analogy, it would be that of a balloon tied into a railing somewhere outside; it’s flying alright but not quite. Really it’s all just an illusion; I let myself think that I’m already way up in the sky, but in reality I’m still tied down. What I don't know, it’s only because of the balloon's long string that’s making me fly, high enough for me not to notice that big knot over the railing.

Does the problem lie with me wanting to have and do so much, so much so that I can’t seem to appreciate the simple things that actually make my life more meaningful? Life’s great, not perfect though but it’s still good. But why despite this, can’t I seem to stay satisfied? I say blame it on the consumer ads that are plastered all over the place. Take the Nike ad as an example. Remember the ‘Just Do It!’ campaign? There’s also the most recent one by Addidas, the ‘Nothing is Impossible.’ ad. Like everybody else, I want to be Superman who can conquer the world and do a gazillion of things in this lifetime, just so I could say I’ve lived a worthwhile and jam-packed life. It’s frustrating because I just don’t see the ‘Live life to the fullest!’ motto happening with me. It’s those ads, I tell you.

Letting Go

2005-05-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if there is such a thing as ‘over thinking’. I’ve been thinking so much the past few months, I think (see there I go again) I’m going to have a mental breakdown. Okay fine I’m just being overly dramatic. Hehe

I’ve been thinking the same thing over and over again. It’s like my mind is set on auto-rewind with a dysfunctional play > and fast forward >> button that refuses to cooperate. This is doing me absolutely no good at all. It hasn’t provided me with any satisfying answers at all. The more I think, the more baffled I get. The more I analyze things, the more I end up totally wrong in my assessments.

Maybe all I need to do is just leave things as it is and not think about it as much. Got to move forward and start anew. Got to accept the situations for what they are and let go. There are some things in life that I can’t hold on to forever. As the old saying goes, the only thing that’s permanent in this world is change. People will come and go. Things will eventually change. I have to stop fooling myself, and stop holding on to something that’s not there. The others have turned over a new page already. I too, shall do the same thing.

I shall move forward. I shall march on like the little drummer boy. Staying at a standstill will be non-negotiable starting from now on. Life will be good. Life IS good. Damn, time to make that play button to work right again.

Of last week, today, and tomorrow

2005-05-01T10:42:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been filled with a lot of activities. There’s the bridal shower, the wedding, and my uncle, who by the way is only a few years older than me. Uncle Adam or ‘Aahh-daam’ as we sarcastically call him (according to him, it’s ‘Ey-dem’ or something like that) came over here for a short vacation from the US. He specially requested that he stay over at our house. I thought we would have a hard time entertaining him. But it turned out to be no problem at all. It’s good to see him again, yeah even if he makes fun of our non-American slang accent.

My cousin got married yesterday, the first wedding in the clan. I can’t believe how much we’ve all grown. It seemed only yesterday when we would go to Q-zar or have sleepovers. Soon, we’ll all be married off with little kids running around the place. Well I don’t think it would be that soon for me anyway, although I’m almost next in line. (Nako pressure!) Yeah we usually follow the ‘according to age policy’ in our family. Haha I think I would have to pass though, because the big ‘L’ has been pretty elusive. They say it’s just around the corner, what corner are you talking about?!

I don’t know if it’s because of the recent events, but I’m relatively happy these past few days. It’s all about get-togethers last week and maybe up until tomorrow. I miss getting together with my cousins. We usually meet up only during required family gatherings. But now with the pre-wedding activities and with ‘Ey-dem’ being here, we’ve been going out a lot more often. Then last Friday, I also got to meet up with an old friend who came back from Canada. We go way back since elementary days, can you believe?! 5th grade to be exact. It’s been ages (literally!) since I’ve last seen her. Shucks I can’t help but think I’ve been left way behind already. Everybody’s changing and I’m still the same. If it were a race, I’m definitely in last place. This only means one thing; I got to run like hell starting here onwards.

Top to Bottom (L-R): She and Jay, the Newlyweds; Cousins; Adam attempting to be Jasmine Trias;
w/ my sistahs minus Candice

Risk It!

2005-04-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

My friend Jenjen told me the other day, ‘take the risk girl!’ I thought to myself, should I? I feel like a rubber band being pulled into two sides. One tells me to go take the plunge, but the thought of falling into a deep ravine keeps coming into view that it makes me want to take the back seat instead.

I’m such a segurista. I always want to know the outcome before doing anything drastic. Being spontaneous with regards to decision making is definitely not my game. I still prefer sticking to the conventional way of picking through each detail, analyzing the pros and cons, thinking of other alternatives if there are any before taking the big jump. Yes the mind still rules over the heart here. It’s not easy though because one, you’re looking at a never-ending street with hundreds of possibilities running through your head every millisecond. Second, the mind sometimes eventually gives way to what the heart is saying, which makes it all the more complicated and confusing. Third, it’s always nearly impossible to guess the outcome of a decision with total precision. The tide can always change; sometimes as fast as kernels popping in the microwave. (Sorry, can’t think of a better analogy. Hehe) That’s why if you think about it, one can never be too much of a segurista as one would like to be. Whatever decision you make regardless whether how much thought you’ve given to it, it still somehow involves a certain level of risk. No matter how well-planned and how well-thought of a decision may be you can’t discount the possibility of the unknown and what-ifs lurking behind every decision you make. There are just two choices here, it’s deciding whether to remain in the status quo or to go out of your comfort zone and take a gamble with the possibility of losing everything.

And this is precisely why I seldom take risks. I understand this can never be a trial and error thing. There’s no turning back once a decision has been made. No one wants to be a failure and look like a fool, right? My status quo is already fine and dandy as it is, why still risk it? Why invest on emotions when you can get hurt in the end?

But what if (yes, the inevitable ‘what if’ again…), taking the risk is actually my passport to something even greater? Opportunities can be risks in disguise. So how now brown cow? Maybe it’s all about coming into terms with failing and looking like a fool. To a certain degree, I don’t think failure and looking like a fool can be so much of a bad thing anyway. If anything else, it actually helps us emerge as better persons, don’t you think? So maybe I should stop worrying about trying to be in control all the time and just embrace whatever fate may throw at me, even if it means having to look like a fool.

My Discovery Channels

2005-04-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

I’m sponsoring the following “personal discoveries and favorites” of mine for free…Hehe

Angel’s Kitchen…It’s this small gourmet place in Greenhills along the row of Kamameshi and UCC. You wouldn’t really notice it since it’s not as commercialized as the other establishments in the area. It has a very nice ambiance, good for intimate family gatherings or long dinner conversations with friends. Their food is yummy; home cooked to its finest. It is slowly gaining a strong group of followers, I, myself included.

Max Brenner’s Sucao…This reminds me very much of those aromatherapy heating containers/jars or whatever one calls those things. But this one has a deeper uhmm..fill? (sorry, can’t find the term for this) wherein you pour the milk in and melt bits of chocolate of your choice into it. Then there’s this 3-in-1 spoon slash stirrer slash straw that you use to drink all of it away! Yum! There’s white, milk, and bitter chocolate to choose from. I personally like the milk.

UCC’s Croque Madamme…available only in Paseo Center. It’s not found in the menu so you’ll have to request it personally. It’s nothing special really. It’s just bread topped with ham, cheese, and egg covered with a secret Japanese white sauce. It’s actually very much like their Breakfast Sunrise. I just don’t know why I like this one better. Tastes good with ketchup on it. Hehe Tastes even better if you’ve got UCC Blend coffee to accompany it.

Hyatt Manila…This one is a newly-opened hotel in Roxas Boulevard. It has nice modern interiors; looks also good at night with a myriad of colors lighting up the exteriors of the hotel. Too bad it’s so far away from civilization (well, Manila is far if you live in Mandaluyong.) that you can’t frequent it much. Their Market Café has a sumptuous international buffet. I like the Lotus Chinese restaurant the most though; not only because of the food but because of its private function rooms, which has this grand magnificent effect yet cozy feel to it. Try the Library room!

Royce chocolates...their truffles are to die for. Their small bars of chocolates in cacao and bitter are also equally yummy. It really melts in your mouth, no kidding! I can finish the whole box in one seating. Another plus is the convenient packaging that comes with the chocolates. The chocolates are put into this silver foil bag with dry ice in it so that it wouldn’t melt as fast. I think we don’t have it here yet. But if you happen to stop by Hong Kong though, visit any of the City Super stores so you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Export overruns…they have it in Greenhills tiangge. Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle Outfitters, Tommy, Express, Old Navy…you name it. Some still even got a price tag in US$ attached to it. Imagine an A&F shirt costing $24.95, sold at just a mere P490. It’s definitely a good bargain. Moral lesson of the story: Don’t buy anything that’s made in the Philippines and/or Northern Marianas when you’re shopping in the US because chances are, you’ll find it here at a cheaper price. But of course, be wary also of knock offs because there are a lot as well.

Italiannis’ Cappuccino Pie…this dessert is good for sharing. Definitely worth the calories though. It’s a perfect way to cap off your dinner or lunch. It’s sort of an ice cream pie that has mocha and coffee flavors with a big crust underneath. Yum as well!

Somera…it’s somewhere in Glorietta 2. It sells all kinds of perfumes at a lower price. Yes they’ve got Gap Dream even! And if you pay in cash, you get an additional 10% off. Not bad right? Found out all about this through my officemates. Don’t worry, it’s the real deal...you will not smell phony (literally! Haha)

Barbi Chan…she’s a gooood makeup artist who’s great at airbrush makeup. She can make you look flawless in minutes. I haven’t tried her yet, but both my sister and mom did. Barbi makes makeup look natural on you as if you haven’t had any on. She even has her own face hair remover…yep as in one that literally removes all unwanted hair off your face. My sister was amazed by how much facial hair she’s got, and now she vows to get one for herself too.

www.yagoohoogle.com...this is for the lazy ones. Hehe It’s a search site that produces Yahoo and Google search results side by side, all in one window. Great mind, I say for the one who came up with this brilliant idea.

Semana Santa

2005-03-23T00:08:00.000-08:00

Holy Week is nearing…fast. It’s going to be a pretty damn short vacation. Not counting the weekend, two days isn’t really a long one. And I’m in dire need of a good looong break. From what you ask? From everything! I need to have a break from my daily routine…Seriously I think I’m about to go insane. I also need to have a break from thinking and worrying too much. I need a break from my social life, not that I have an existent one to begin with anyway. Wala lang, I just feel like saying it. Labo. I need to have a break from this normality (or should I say abnormality? Really depends on your assessment.) of being stuck in this road that says somewhere but leads to nowhere. Labo again. Maybe I just need to have a break and have a Kit Kat instead. Seryoso na sana eh. Haha Extra plugging pa for Nestle.

But it’s okay…it’s better than having no vacation at all.

I’m going to Hong Kong. Whoopee!! Woohoo!

Carpe Diem

2005-03-19T01:21:00.000-08:00

My dad was telling me the other day how life is a one big routine that we must all inevitably take. The only thing that breaks this monotony is the extra curricular activities that we do, which can vary from planting to shopping or to some sort of a sport or hobby. He said it in such a matter-of-factly manner, I almost believed it. The said routine would consist of waking up each morning to go to work, then going home to sleep and wake up the following day to go to work again…EVERY SINGLE DAY. If my math serves me right, that would be doing the same repetitive task 240 times in a span of one year. Just thinking about it makes me tired already. Imagine that out of the 365 days, you spend only a mere 34% doing spontaneous or “un-routinary” things. This can’t be true. I’m going to prove my dad wrong.

Coincidentally I just finished reading this book by Paulo Coelho, which discusses man’s pursuit for the meaning of life in an angst-ridden orthodox society. The protagonist, finding herself stuck in a soulless routine with everything in her life being insanely the same all the time, decides to end her life. It’s such a good read. The book expresses my exact sentiments, which I precisely bought in hopes of satisfying my own frustrations about life.

The author zeroed in on bitterness as the main culprit, which he says occurs when people become afraid of the so-called reality that they begin building their own world with high defensive walls against the outside world. After which, they slowly start losing all desire and spend their energy on constructing more walls to make reality they want it to be. Thus everything becomes automatic and repetitive up to a point that each action is unaccompanied by any emotion; no desire whatsoever, even the will to live or die, which then leads to an even bigger problem.

So the solution? It’s really just a matter of having a good outlook on life. I think the reason why we succumb into a routinary way of life is because we want to conform and be the same like everybody else. After all, that is what society dictates; Work now, play later. The so-called reality will insist that if we don’t consume the other 66% working our asses off, we’ll have to pay a huge price for it. Thus work becomes our world, our false reality. We become so focused with the work part that we forget to see the real outside world, which should have F-U-N written all over it. In an attempt to conform, we become mechanical slaves to our work that we eventually fall into an endless pit of boring monotonous tasks. We need to have our own ‘awareness of life’ all fixed up, because right now our awareness of life seems to unsuitably consist of working and earning hard instead of partying and living it hard. We should dare to be different; we should be proud celebrators of life. This gift only comes once after all.

Stop Piracy!

2005-03-11T00:02:00.000-08:00

Whatever happened to the “I am unique. I am special.” concept? Don’t tell me it’s just crap because I’ve religiously, seriously believed in this ever since I stepped into 1st grade school.

Someone at work just told me I look like somebody she knew from somewhere. She’s the second one at work who has told me this. One almost mistook me for this girl who works in a different department, while one asked me if I previously worked for Cititrust. I’m beginning to notice this is becoming to be a frequent thing. Wherever I go, people will not fail to mention I look like somebody else they know or once knew. Apparently I have a lot of carbon copies, so says the library guard at the Rizal Library in school, so says Astrid, a co-worker from my previous company, so says my current officemates, and so says the rest of the world...oops I mean, the others. Even a newly introduced friend whom I just met for the first time (take note of the ‘first’) also said I look like the wife of this well-known businessman.

I don’t know if this is a good thing. I’m beginning to consider applying for a copyright license…you know just so Edu Manzano wouldn’t run after me. It’s definitely weird though. I’ve lost count already but I must have had more than 10 look-alikes already…and still counting! Haha And what’s ironic here is that I do actually have a twin sister who looks exactly, well almost just like me.

Don't flush that toilet...

2005-03-01T22:34:00.000-08:00

I know it’s a little too late for feng shui predictions. The Chinese New Year has already passed. But I recently stumbled upon this article stating how the southwest corner of a house or room is the relationship and marriage corner under the “Eight Life Aspirations” method of Feng Shui, which means one would have to “activate” the southwest corner to enhance one’s prospects with regards to love. Then it went on to further say that the toilet must not be located in the southwest. This is a big no-no for chances are, you’re just flushing your love luck away. No brooms and mops should also be kept in the corner for it is believed you’re sweeping away good fortune.

It was an unconscious effort, I found myself mentally taking note of what part of my room was in the southwest corner. To my dismay, the bathroom was directly in the southwest. The toilet was in the southwest. Bad! So this must be the reason all along…that explains why. Haha So now, I guess I should refrain from flushing too much, better yet I think I should stop using the toilet altogether so that I don’t waste all of my love luck away.

I’m not sure whether to believe in this kind of stuff. I would have to say though I’m more of a believer than a skeptic when it comes to feng shui. I don’t know if I got it from my mom. Not that she strictly follows everything down to a tee but she tries at least to stick with the main principles. And more often than not, I think feng shui actually helps in promoting a lot of the good chi.

Someone once told me, the purpose of feng shui mainly has to do with practicality which I think makes good sense. A lot of it deals with knowing how to maximize the space around you in order to create or channel all the positive energy. It’s all about positioning they say. I had someone explained to me why the bed shouldn’t be directly in front of the mirror. He says if you think about it, it’s just practical to do so. After all when one wakes up in the morning, it’ll definitely create bad energy when the first thing one sees in the morning is one’s self. Unruly hair, rumpled clothes, and all…it is indeed unsightly. Funny isn’t it? But it does make sense.

As to why the toilet should not be placed in the southwest corner, I’m still figuring it out. So while I’m still looking for a suitable logical explanation, I think I would have to buy a lot of red objects and put lots of red fresh flowers in the bathroom for now.

Ready, Get Set, Play!

2005-02-23T22:48:00.001-08:00

I was talking to some friends a few weeks back. We agreed that women by nature are emotional creatures. As much as we say we could play the game side by side with the men, we always end up whether consciously or unconsciously, emotionally involved. I think I have to agree that women can’t be players because the more we gamble, the more we can’t get out of the game. It’s like digging a big hole for ourselves. The more we play along, the more we realize it’s not that fun to play anymore. It’s a lot like playing too many rounds of a bad poker game. You’re winning the first few rounds and you think, ‘alright!’ but come the latter part, you start losing all the money that you initially won and you start thinking, ‘this sucks!’. And suddenly it stops being fun anymore. It makes you want to stop the game and not play anymore. We think playing for fun would have lesser risks and repercussions as opposed to being serious about something, but come to think of it, it’s all just the same…We become so attached to the game that we actually end up losing and for some, hurting.

So before deciding to play the game, ask yourself what’s in it for you. Ask yourself what you want out from it. If none, then don’t play. Don’t go into a game looking for something because you won’t find it there for sure. Don’t waste your time. Don’t waste your heart. The game is not worth it.

A New Find

2005-02-17T17:19:00.000-08:00

I had my first yoga class last night. My cousin invited this yoga instructor to his house so that we could have a more personal slash one-on-one class with him. Since I have not been getting enough exercise, I decided to join in and give it a try. With the dimmed lights and slow music playing in the background, I thought I would fall asleep. But surprisingly, I enjoyed doing all the breathing and stretching exercises even if I wasn’t able to do some of it properly. I did not feel an entire hour has passed by at all.

Our yoga instructor’s name is Herman who incidentally is a German. How apt, meet Herman the German. He has been a practicing yogi for almost 20 years. He has lived in India and Boracay for a couple of years already before finally settling in Manila for a good solid 6 years now. I think he’s the real deal. He IS passionate about yoga. He even took the time to introduce yoga to us prior to the actual class itself. All the positions had an explanation as well. We did Hatha Yoga, which is supposed to be good for exercising, stretching, and freeing the body. I liked the Sun position the most. It’s where you start from the ground and slowly stretch out with arms reaching out to the sky and slowly widening them apart until they reach down to the ground again…never mind, I won’t bother explaining it in words. I don’t think I made sense anyway.

I’m not sure though if I’m into these spiritual meditation/reflection stuff. Yoga requires a lot of concentration and I’m no good at it. My mind usually wanders off easily. When I’m supposed to be ‘flying into the sky’ as what yoga master Herman instructs, I’m thinking ‘what will I eat later?’ Hehe Then yoga requires lots of flexibility and I’m no good at it either. I can’t even stand on one leg, which is already so simple to do. And even if I do stand up on one leg, it’s only for a few seconds.

We’re planning to make this yoga a twice-a-week thing. I don’t know if this current hobby is going to last long. I’m not giving up on yoga just yet. I think it could provide a lot of benefits. It’s supposed to make you clear-minded and fill your body with vitality. I also heard yoga could help you grow taller with all the stretching that you do. So I guess it’s going to be all breathing and stretching for now. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Aahhmmnn…

On Not Being Perfect

2005-02-11T23:20:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with Nicole awhile ago. She mentioned about this particular scene in Desperate Housewives that struck her. I’ve yet to watch the show though. Anyway the story goes something like how nobody likes to show other people their weaknesses. We pretend that everything looks perfectly rosy on the outside when it’s actually the other way around on the inside. The character in the show tired of always being a failure finally breaks down. Then she founds out that she wasn’t alone in her misery. She finds out from her other “perfect” fellow housewives that they too were apparently not that perfect after all. One of the housewives mentioned how they shouldn’t keep these things from one another and how they shouldn’t be afraid to tell each other their weaknesses.

I agree. While we all have our own insecurities, we shouldn’t be ashamed to share it. It is what makes us more human after all, don’t you think so? Sometimes sharing it can actually be beneficial in more than a lot of ways. Being open about it can help us cope and deal with it more easily. Having someone to sympathize with us eases the burden as well; what seemed to be a heavy load becomes a hundred times lighter. Besides keeping everything to one’s self can be dangerously explosive and destructive at times. It’s not healthy. You have to accept yourself for what you are, with all weaknesses included. If loving the self requires that you accept your insecurities then so be it. If accepting one's insecurities requires that you be judged for it then so be it. You can’t take away the fact that we will always have our weaknesses. Nobody’s perfect…a cliché I know. But true right?

Just a side note. I think I spoke too soon. TNT lost to the Gins. =( Shucks. Eric Menk was extra strong today, weirdly strong if I must say so. I can’t help but think he’s on steroids. I sound bitter I know. Hehe Nah he’s probably just pumped up and too hungry for the crown; gotta give him some credit though even if I don’t like him that much. If only TNT’s first win hadn’t been nullified, it would have been tied 3-3. Then TNT could have won the series. Oh well.

Go Go Gooo TNT!

2005-02-09T17:22:00.000-08:00

Go TNT! Go Go Gooooo!! Hehehe

The series is now tied 2-2, Gin versus TNT. I’m rooting for TNT all the way. Tonight’s pivotal game will surely be an exciting one. I think the one who wins today will have bigger chances of bagging the championship crown. And I do hope it’ll be TNT. With or without Asi, TNT is a strong team to beat. With guards like Miller and Alapag, and big men like Telan and Ocampo, there’s no way the Gins can stop them. Menk and Caguioa should better work double time. Okay I think I’m now sounding like a basketball fanatic. But really I’m not. I just watch the game but I don’t follow religiously, well unless it’s the finals and it’s my favorite team who’s playing.

Dinner and Coffee

2005-02-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

My sister finally graduated yesterday, and with honors at that. Val will also graduate this coming March. I can’t believe we’re all through with school. We’re all so grown up now though I’m not sure if we really are. I still feel like a kid at times…no direction, no purpose, inexperienced, confused, and dependent on a lot of things.

So anyway, we had dinner after at Shanghai Bistro in Eastwood together with everybody. Dinner was good. I walked around Eastwood afterwards and was surprised to see Fuente Circle transformed into a bright festive atmosphere that night. I think the mini-carousel along with the lights and hanging heart decors made all the difference.

Then I met up with Roanne and Kim afterwards at the new row of restaurants in Greenhills. Surprisingly, I didn’t want to go home that night. Normally I would cancel and just go home instead since it was late already. But I’m glad though I opted to have coffee with them. I haven’t seen and talked to them in awhile already and it was nice catching up with them. Kim unfortunately had to leave early so it was girl bonding with Ro that night. It was funny how we actually had a lot to talk about. Maybe it’s because we don’t get to talk to each other that much, so updating each other on the ‘happenings’ and ‘not happening’ in our lives automatically became the agenda that night. Sayang the others were not able to go. Hopefully we’d all be complete next time and have dinner together.

Big and Small Likes List

2005-02-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

I like Fridays. I like weekends. I like watching movies. I like marathons, of tv shows in dvd/vcd that is. I like to travel, be independent, and live on my own in a foreign country like say, San Francisco. I like to be committed. I like to stay committed. I like work, well most of the time I do. I like nice long conversations. I like short meaningful chats. I like sense. I like feel-good music. I like coffee breakfasts. I like to go scuba diving and be able to swim with the fishes. I like humility. I like simplicity. I like being inspired. I like to be inspired. I like eating and not gain an inch. I like getting together with friends. I like car rides without traffic. I like rainbows. I like celebrations. I like babies. I like funny people. I like sincere people. I like people who stay true to themselves. I like good news. I like good long walks. I like to learn new stuff. I like to be fluent in Chinese. I like to learn how to swim without a life vest on. I like a good long 8-hours sleep. I like sitting in the beach and wait for the sun to set down. I like rainy days. I like seeing beauty that most people often don’t or fail to see. I like swinging, be it clubs or irons. I like sweating it out. I like dressing it up. I like laughing until my head or stomach hurts. I like singing alone, in the bathroom. I like philosophizing about things. I like to psycho analyze. I like to have a golden retriever, a chow-chow, or a pug. I like to have my own koi pond. I like to be more open. I like to own something. I like to do something. I like to say yes to everything. I lke to be somebody. I like being happy. I like to be happy. I like to stay happy.

I like. I like. I like.

So many things to do, so many things to see, so many things to learn, so many things to want…all with so little time.

What Now?

2005-01-30T17:38:00.000-08:00

I wonder if the person right next to you can feel what you are feeling and feels the same way as you do. Most of the time, you can’t tell. Is there really such a thing as sensing a spark? You sense chemistry at work with all the moving electrons going about, but does the other person feel it too? What if you’re just hallucinating and perhaps it’s just the cotton fibers of your shirt that’s causing the spark no more no less?

So how do you know for sure? I don’t know. I was thinking maybe the answer lies in being able to distinguish what’s real from what’s not. We have to be careful with these personal mind games that we play. It could affect our sense of reality and blur our perception of certain things, say what we are feeling at the moment or what we want from the current situation. Falling into this kind of trap can be messy not to mention emotionally distressing. We must not let ourselves get carried away by the idea of something that could probably be just a figment of our imagination only. But then this is not to say that we should discard everything as null and invalid because what if it is indeed real and existing? The formula here involves a little gut feel, lots of perceptiveness and huge amounts of rationality.

On the other hand we could opt not to do any psycho analyzing or psycho whatever. Sometimes this could actually be the best thing to do. Instead of mulling over the situation, why not free the self from the burden of dissecting every minute detail and just enjoy the moment, regardless whether it will or will not last. I guess the next sentence best sums up what I have to say, ‘As much as the heart may want to take off into the clouds, the intuition may be calling you back down to Earth, so try your best to balance these energies and use them to infuse a creative burst’.

I Speak Now

2005-01-20T22:19:00.000-08:00

Keeping my mouth shut is what I do best. Less talk, less trouble; the more talk, the more prone you are to misquotations and misinterpretations. Word travels fast, faster than a speeding bullet. When it reaches the grapevine, you’ll be amazed at how a simple story has been twisted and turned into an interestingly big story-the more sensationalized, the better, or at how a good intentioned slash well-intended sentence turns into a “meaningfully” loaded interpretation that’s unbelievably so far out from the truth.

Someone told me the other day I have to be assertive and tough, which I obviously lack. I’ve always been a non-confrontational person. Well not always. I used to be the bully way back when I was in my pre-school/elementary years. I was always the leader. And now twenty three years later, I just let other people handle and do all the talking. I would usually give in and agree along for the sake of camaraderie. There are certain exceptions though. I do speak up only when it is absolutely necessary. When things get personal then that’s the time I speak up. Otherwise I couldn’t careless.

I am slowly finding this to be a not-so-good a choice though. Keeping quiet seems to be not enough anymore. I’ve discovered that less talk would mislead people to wrong judgments about you. While I would prefer to keep mum and allow people to think whatever they want to think, I am now finding the urge to speak out loud. It’s a man-eats-world out there. If you don’t want to get trampled on, it’s imperative to speak up and let your voice be heard, which exactly I am trying hard to do now.

Question and Answer Portion

2005-01-17T16:01:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of things in this world that cannot be easily comprehended by the human mind, which explains why there are more why’s than answers being correctly answered. Man being the genius that he is usually has a ready answer—be it scientific, religious, philosophical or what not, but still we end up more confused with more why’s than ever before. I guess no amount of explanations can and will ever satisfy us. I don’t know with you but I found my answer in the spiritual realm. It is actually as simple as accepting that some things are bound to happen just because so, because God wants it so.

I know it’s not easy to accept the things that we have no control over, especially when it’s something that hits so close to home. It’s not easy seeing people in grief mourning over the loss of a loved one. It’s not easy seeing thousands of people who are already living in poverty suffer another blow, this time from nature’s wrath. It’s not easy to see someone get hurt…all just because so, all because God wants it so. As much as I want to believe that God has a purpose for everything, it’s still not that easy to accept the not-so-good things for what they are.

But it’s a dead end street. The questions will never end and it will never lead to a satisfying answer. Unfortunately the answers to the why’s will always baffle and elude us. Perhaps the answers can never be found in this lifetime of ours. Maybe the answers are greater than ourselves; more than what we can comprehend, more than what we could have ever imagined possible.

I’m not sure how I’m going to end this blog. I have no answers myself. I think faith somehow plays an essential role in all these though. We should never stop believing even if sometimes there is sufficient reason to do so otherwise. When reason fails us, we should turn to our faith and embrace the life we have in its entirety—with all its bits and pieces, and yes with all the why’s included.

Nothing else but assumptions, assumptions, and assumptions

2005-01-08T19:03:00.000-08:00

Assuming is bad for one’s health, well on one’s emotional health that is. One can never safely assume unless the concrete proof is right before one’s eyes. Take note of the concrete here. Otherwise, one should just put all signs aside and not think of it in any other way. While it may not be that easy to dismiss certain things and put meaning on it, one should not fall into the trap of mistaking a thing for something else. Just like a plump red apple that may look deliciously juicy on the outside but turns out to be a disappointingly bitter one.

While it may sound like I am talking based from my own experiences, it is in fact the other way around. I actually learned this through the personal experiences of some friends of mine who have “safely” assumed only to be disappointed in the end. I don’t blame them though. If one would analyze it, all signs seemed to be leading to only one direction. But things could change in just one blink. That’s why never blink!! Hehe Just as fast as the weather changes, things can also suddenly go from meaningful to meaningless. The once ‘helping you with research’ seemed to be nothing else but just that. The once ‘text messages’ which you thought were sweet isn’t that sweet after all. And the once ‘long meaningful conversations’ you’ve had was apparently not that meaningful as it seemed to be.

So now I should understand why people sometimes play hard to get. I don’t really think it’s playing hard to get per se. It’s more of playing their cards well. They have to be smarter and more careful now in laying out all their spades or diamonds, whichever is higher. After all you got to play the game right in order to win.

Peace of Mind? yeah right...Fish of Mind maybe.

2005-01-03T22:50:00.000-08:00

I am surprised how liberating it is to be able to break away from all the worries in the world and from my own too, whatever that may be. I’m letting it all hang loose for the moment. Not really giving a good damn about things can certainly be a sought-after privilege these days. I’m glad to have it in my pocket and I don’t intend to give it away for now.

It’s what you call peace of mind. It’s free but not everyone gets to have it.

Despite not knowing where to go (I thought I was moving forward but turned out I was just going in circles), despite being stuck in the mundanity of life, despite failing to meet expectations…I don’t really care for now. I’m not going to try and dissect every single detail. I’m going to take the back seat for now and let life lead me to wherever.

Bye Bye 2004. Welcome 2005.

2004-12-31T14:30:00.000-08:00

It’s the last day of the year again…

I can’t believe how the year went by so fast, I’m not even sure if I’ve done anything significant with my life at all. I don’t know if my personal satisfaction is just so high, I am unable to realize how much good has happened during the year. But looking back and reflecting now, I’m surprised at how much change I’ve gone through. I’ve learned and accepted a lot. And I’ve worried and complained less which is good. 2004 was a great year overall. There’s graduation, work, monthly paychecks, job applications, interviews, McDo convention, Orlando, SF, Oakbrook, Chicago, old friends, new friends, being done and over with chicken pox, Boracay, Lifebook, mini-ipod, Red, cookout party, overnights, lunch outs, and the list goes on. There are still a lot of things lacking though, but needless to say I’m just happy I’ve survived another year and have ended it with a smile on my face.

Tomorrow’s going to be another new year. No resolutions for me this year because I don’t want to break any. I’ve noticed that the more I make resolutions, the more I end up not keeping any. No 2005 expectations for me as well because I don’t want to be disappointed.

Post-Christmas Thoughts

2004-12-26T23:33:00.000-08:00

The song goes, ‘tis the season to be jolly…fa la la la la la la la la!!!

Amidst all the mediocrity, aimlessness, and disappointments, I’m surprised I still have more than a hundred reasons left as to why I should stay jolly this season. No make that a thousand reasons. Let’s see…nothing bad has happened to me. I have food on the table. My Amma has good health. I have wonderful friends. I got work and a not-so-bad starting salary at that. I also don’t have to drive through the horrible traffic everyday to work. I’ve also met a good number of great people the past few months. Had lesser complains and fewer boo-boos as compared to before. And then there’s the fast recovery of Ma. That’s only ten reasons. But I’ve still got more…

I don’t know where I got this bright attitude all of a sudden. I sure hope I could bring this optimism into the coming year though.

Get Well Soon Ma! =)

2004-12-21T21:51:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the hospital. My mom had her appendix taken out just hours ago. She’s still in the recovery room and will be out before midnight. I’m relieved everything went well. I hope she recovers soon.

My mom’s intuition must be good. She’s been adamant on her decision of staying here for Christmas this year. We’ve been spending Christmas out of the country for the past years that it was unlike her to insist that we won’t be going anywhere despite our (well just me and Tin’s) insistence. It was like my mom have foreseen what was going to happen.

I’ve been looking forward to Christmas but it looks like we’re going to spend it this year in the hospital. The doctor said that it’ll probably take around 5 days of recovery. But it’s okay. What matters is that we spent it together as a family.

Music, fireworks and the stars...

2004-12-19T18:20:00.000-08:00

Last night's Pop Pasko in Eastwood was a blast. Good music. A close encounter with the stars. Awesome fireworks. I was happy we were able to get good seats. We sat right up front and got to see Luke Mejares, Kyla, Ogie Alcasid, and Regine Velasquez perform. I must say that I am now a newly converted fan of Luke. I didn’t know he could sing that well. His own renditions of I Miss You and Who’s Holding Donna Now is really good. Then there’s also the popular 214 remake song. I don’t know but I think he sings it better than Rivermaya. I think I’m going to buy his cd tomorrow. Hehe

And then there’s also my close ‘brush’ with the stars. Before the show started, my cousin asked us if we wanted to meet them. Normally I wouldn’t go if I’m not a big fan but being the “usi” that I am, I went. We dropped by their make shift dressing room at the now defunct Country Waffles. Kyla still wasn’t there, stuck in traffic according to the guy. The other three were having their make up done. I actually felt starstruck for a minute there. Ogie and Luke seemed friendly. Regine wasn’t as friendly though. Maybe it’s because she was still having her hair and make-up done. So anyway, after brief introductions and a few pictures taken we left them and went back to our seats.

The show was a good one. I had a fun time. The fireworks in the end was spectacular. (There is no better word for it.) You’ll see it go way up up uuupp high and then burst into a rainbow of colors. And they say it’s just a small piece of what people will be seeing this coming New Year…

And I Quote...

2004-12-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

"I'm really shy, I guess that's really part of who I am. However, it doesn't bother me. I know who I am and that's what matters. I know I can be crazy and funny only to those who really know me. I really don't have to share that with everyone."

My Not-So-Long Weekend

2004-11-29T21:19:00.000-08:00

I’m bummed the long weekend is almost over. It will be back to reality once again tomorrow, which would mean having to wake up early and go home late every week. If there’s any consolation to this though, it would be the weather. It has been raining the whole day and the forecast says it’s going to be so for the next couple of days. I don’t know why but I love rainy days (not the typhoon kind though). Every time it rains, I feel more energized. I am more ganado in doing my tasks.

The long weekend was a major stress reliever. Not that I am stressed with work or anything like that. Well come to think of it, being in the same routine can be stressful at times. But I don’t think I should be complaining about it. So I won’t. Anyway the whole weekend was spent just doing errands for myself, mostly things that badly needs to be done but haven’t been done due to lack of time; such as going shopping with my sisters, going cloth hunting to add to my work clothes, going to the hair salon to have my overgrown hair trimmed, having my regular nail and foot spa which haven’t been all that regular anymore, going to the seamstress which has been neglected and long overdue, and etc. I haven’t gotten around to watching the piling DVDs and VCDs that I have initially planned on watching over the weekend yet though. If only the long holiday could be extended until tomorrow…

Overall it was a good long weekend though, except for the lost earring. I accidentally lost a silver hoop earring while shopping. I felt so bad not only because I knew I was in for a major scolding from my mom, but also because it was public property. (My sisters and I share the earrings.) I’m thinking either I forgot to clasp it on to its hook properly or it was just plain loose already. This is the second time that I’ve lost something that’s considerably of value. The first one was also losing an earring while swimming in the beach. So counting it, I’ve actually now lost a pair. I just hope this is going to be the last time already.

Turning on the alarm clock...

2004-11-27T23:26:00.000-08:00

My sister just reminded me today how lucky I am to be able to enjoy the finer things in life, which I shamefully admit I often take for granted. Coming back from her immersion, she could not have reiterated more how real (and harsh) reality is. If I am to be precise about it, it’s how majority of the population are living below the poverty line.

What touched me even more was hearing my sister talk about how her host family was so gracious to them. Despite having a tight budget, her host family took great lengths to keep them full and satisfied. The couple they stayed with made sure they were well-fed and comfortable. If there were any difference in the social statuses of each one (which normally is made so distinctly clear in this society of ours), it was neither felt nor seen at all. The lines were all blurred. My sister actually felt she was a part of the family.

It’s a heartwarming feeling to see them spending a little over their budget just to make dinner extra special (note: caldereta, pusit, melon juice) for you. It’s also a heartwarming feeling to see them fussing over you making sure all the electric fans are turned on. An extra dish of caldereta or melon juice may mean nothing to us since we’re used to having anything we want but for these people, it’s a big thing. It’s already an extravagance for them which really is “nakakataba ng puso” to see them sharing it so willingly to you.

It’s just ironic (and sad I must say) to see how these people have so much to give despite having so little while some of their counterparts despite having excesses barely give out anything at all.

You could call it fate.

2004-11-20T17:16:00.000-08:00

It’s disappointing to know you cannot always get what you want. And it’s equally disappointing to know you cannot make things happen exactly according to your plan. I’ve resigned to the fact that no matter how hard you try trying, if it’s not meant to be then it probably will never be. Call it fate or whatever. But that’s just the way it is. There are some things that are beyond our control. We can’t do anything about it but to accept and learn how to face the music.

And so I ask. Is accepting all we really have to do? If this is so then what happens with the ‘never say die’ attitude that have been instilled into our minds ever since we were kids? We can't give up just like that.

I don’t know but I’m slowly succumbing to the “if it’s meant to be then it will surely happen” mantra. I refuse to see it as being apathetic or indifferent. If it’s not meant to be, why force it right? This mentality actually gives me a sense of freedom. I am able to free myself from the heavy burden of trying to ‘make things happen’ all the time. I don’t feel the sense of urgency anymore to do this or do that just because it’s supposed to bring me happiness, success, love or whatever.

However there are times when this mantra of mine fails me. Most often than not it leaves me wondering if I should have gone the extra mile and exerted some effort instead of leaving it entirely to just fate alone. I’ve discovered on many instances that due to lack of action on my part, there are a lot of missed opportunities. There are a lot of what-could-have-been scenarios which I could have acted upon but didn’t. This always leaves me wondering if I should have indeed done something about it. But like they say, it takes two to boogie (tango isn’t as fun…) in every situation. So I guess I should blame the other person or party involved for not doing anything as well. Or perhaps there’s no one to blame; maybe they had the same mantra going on for them too.

Twenty Three

2004-11-14T21:33:00.000-08:00

23 seem to be a good number…not too young to be treated like a kid but still not too old to have lots of fun. My friend says the ages 23-24 are supposed to be the “prime” years of one’s life. I have just turned 23 and everything has pretty much stayed the same. But then I would also have to consider the fact that it’s been just 48 hours since I crossed the “prime years” bracket. Allow me some more time then maybe I’d find my own niche or whatever you'd like to call it.

Since 23 is supposed to be a good number, I decided to celebrate it with a double bang. First bang was dinner at Red with my family and Amma. I must say Red tops my list when it comes to ambiance. The place is so elegantly chic that it makes you feel hip as well. Hehe The food didn’t taste bad either, with generous portions considering most restaurants of its kind usually have small servings. Second bang was organizing a BBQ cookout together with Candice the day after, which was just last night. We had our friends over for a one happy dinner. I think it was a good cookout, a little stressful though since we had to make sure everything was fine. As a result, I wasn't able to eat anything at all. But it's okay. I didn't mind being the host for just that one night. I'm happy people made the effort to come. After all it isn't easy to organize and prepare for a party. The whole thing actually went quite well. There were a lot of leftovers though, which means that I would have to eat hamburgers, hotdogs, and bbq for the next couple of weeks. Hehe

In Red with Ma, Amma, and Candice

Candice and Me with our cake

Backyard Cookout

Kim, Amy, Raf, Me, Nik, Javi

The Real Deal

2004-11-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

My life is good because I’ve been accepting a lot of things, both good and bad. It’s a welcoming change for me. I don’t know, but there’s a certain calmness within me. Though it takes a lot of getting used to since I’m constantly worrying. Now that my mind is pretty much devoid of the extra baggage a.k.a. unnecessary worries, I have more time to just lay back and enjoy.

I am slowly learning the real deal when it comes to life in general. During the past few days, I've realized that...

it’s not about rushing and pushing. But about letting nature take its own course.

it's not about seeing with your own two eyes. But about having faith and believing with your heart even with eyes closed.

it’s neither about the majority nor is it about accepting the given. But about listening to what you truly want.

it's not about the one BIG thing. It is actually the small things that add everything up.

it’s not about ‘having to’. But about sincerely ‘wanting to’ from the bottom of your heart.

it’s not about living on fixed plans. But about thriving on spontaneity; leaving everything out in the open.

it’s not about the numbers and stats. But about what really counts the most, all or nothing.

it’s not about holding on to every little thing. But about dropping everything, including yourself if necessary.

it's not all about them. It's about you...it's not up to them. It's up to you.

Movies Galore

2004-11-07T20:59:00.000-08:00

I stayed over at Astoria with some of my friends last night. It was a one fun girl bonding night. We hung out and stayed up late spending the night catching up on one another’s ‘happenings’. Fortunately (or should I say unfortunately?) nobody got drunk. It has always been one helluva laugh trip when one of us would get drunk and would act silly. I could still remember this instance when Shar was so drunk she got a box of KFC chicken and placed it on top of the lamp in an attempt to heat it. It was really funny. Amy on the other hand would laugh a lot when she would get tipsy and it would get us to laughing along with her as well. It’s all good though.

I think I’m becoming a certified movie freak. Yesterday we watched The Forgotten which wasn't as good as we expect it to be. Then today my sisters and I had a semi-movie marathon. We caught the special screening of The Incredibles at Greenbelt after a hearty breakfast at McDonald’s. The movie was a bit too long, but nevertheless it was a fun movie to watch. The baby was cute. I liked the characters of Dash and Violet. Then after having lunch with relatives at Chateau, my sisters and I went to Powerplant to watch First Daughter. Nothing new, just the usual romantic flick…reminds me of Chasing Liberty. But just the same, the movie wasn’t all that bad since I’ve always enjoyed watching feel good movies. I don’t know…it just makes you feel light and warm afterwards. If only it happens in real life too. Hehe

The Fast Forward Button

2004-10-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

I’m so looking forward to a lot of things. I don’t know if this enthusiasm will last me until the end of the year. I hope so.

The things I’m looking forward to…

-the long weekend that’s coming up (a lot of rest, rest, and more rest for me!)
-engagement party of my cousin, She-She (the first in the clan—father side.)
-earning my very first paycheck as a proby employee
-getting regularized as an employee (that’s 6 more months to go for me.)
-my turning a year older (hopefully with many more better things to come…)
-overnight weekend thing with high school friends (happy birthday to Lizsa, Roanne, and Me!)
-celebrating the Christmas season (57 more days to go and counting…)
-family Noche Buenas, gift-giving during Christmas
-Christmas vacation out of the country
-meeting new people
-eating and being healthy (which means no more chocolates)
-planned out of town trip with college friends (I’m crossing my fingers that it’ll push through.)
-getting to work with a lot of great people
-beach outings (if there will be any...)
-getting together with two of my best buddies (I hope they come home soon!)
-working on my resolutions
-the year 2005 (it’s going to be my year…go Roosters!)

A Thing With VIPs

2004-10-28T22:46:00.000-07:00

If there’s one thing Bayani Fernando should eliminate in the streets, it’s those politicians and VIP wannabes’ security escorts. I hate the way they speed through their motorcycles cordoning off all the cars that are in their path, stopping traffic right in the middle and letting the supposed VIP pass through. It’s as if they own the roads.

I don’t mind if it’s the President or some high ranking official. But if it’s just some rich businessman or some well known “personality”, then it’s totally a different matter. I don’t think it’s right at all. I don’t care whether they have some important business to attend to, aren’t we all also in the same position? Aren’t we all in a hurry as well?

Just like what happened earlier today in EDSA during rush hour. There was this group of security escorts who had their sirens blaring through the traffic jammed roads. Two policemen in motorcycles literally stopped all the vehicles in the middle of EDSA. Imagine all of the lanes (except for one lane) blocked by just two motorcycles. In trying to let their VIP pass through, they actually caused more traffic. It sucks also when your car becomes the victim of these power tripping policemen banging on the hood signaling you to move out of the way. It sucks even more when it’s a brand new car.

I hope more people will complain so that Bayani Fernando can start responding like he always does. He has been implementing a lot of good projects so far. He’s actually one of the very few government officials who have been really performing his job. I just hope he would not disappoint law-abiding citizens like me and continue to put those good credits under his belt; the banning of security escort thing included.

Free Day Today

2004-10-23T23:02:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe the weekend is almost half over again. If only there could be some government memorandum granting a 3 day weekend instead of just the usual 2 days...life would certainly be a whole lot better. I for one have always looked forward to weekends because it gives me time to just rest and relax. I get to do the things that I can’t normally do during weekdays (due to the fact that I’m working all day long). It’s only during Saturdays or Sundays where I get take time off my daily routine.

Take today as an example. I got to work my butt off and start exercising again. Ever since I started working, I have not been able to play badminton or go to the driving range anymore; the two “active” things which I have always loved doing during the days when I still had all the time in the world, which unfortunately I am in dire need of right now. Hehe I have also not been on a treadmill since who knows when, which explains why the scale refuses to budge. Anyway this morning, my sister and I sacrificed extra hours of sleeping time to play badminton at Yellow Feather. We decided we needed a good work out because we felt we were starting to get out of shape ever since we both started working. Sitting all day long even when you’re not munching on anything still isn’t such a good idea after all.

After, my sisters and I had lunch at Gram’s Diner at Rockwell. We were supposed to eat at Crustasia but decided last minute to try the diner instead. Wrong idea. Bad idea. There wasn’t much to praise about the food. Not that it tasted bad…but it didn’t taste that good either. But then I probably shouldn’t be expecting anything since it’s supposed to be just that—your typical diner food.

We went to watch White Chicks after at Powerplant. It was one heck of a laugh trip. I’ve been wanting to watch the movie ever since I saw them on Oprah few months back. The Wayans brothers are funny and cute in some appealing way I can't describe. They top my list right next to Will Smith as far as African-American personalities are concerned. Movies like this usually don’t make me laugh as much, but this one is an exception.

Surprise Surprise

2004-10-22T23:21:00.000-07:00

Another week has gone by. Before you know it, it’ll be Christmas time again. How time flies...I don’t know if it’s a good thing though. I don’t want to taste age that fast. I want to savor every minute of it. If only I could postpone next month and still stay 22 for just another year, I would.

Anyway, this week has been a good one for me. I guess starting the week with no expectations have helped a whole lot. Not expecting anything, I got more than my fair share of surprises…nice surprises at that. It’s ironic how when you least expect it, it’s when more pleasant things start to happen. It’s when you’re not looking for it that it finds you…best when you’re off-guard. As strange as it is, it’s true. It happens. It did to me! Work suddenly took a different turn which I must say had “whoopee! yey!!!” with matching "=) !!" written all over it. I’m so happy because I finally have a permanent job. It was only just a few weeks ago when things were filled with doubt and indefiniteness… and now at least there’s some certainty to it already. I don’t know where it will take me though…I don’t want to be bothered by it just yet, well for now anyway. I just want to take one day at a time and enjoy first what I have now.

This is My World

2004-10-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

I don’t believe in first impressions. It’s actually quite judgmental to put someone in some category especially after you’d meet the person only for the first time. While I do believe that first impressions can and do make a difference (up to a certain point only), I don’t make it as my sole basis of determining the character or personality of a person.

According to Jane, most people (well I’d like to believe only a few of them) see me as unapproachable at first glance. I learned about this only a couple of days ago...which I can’t fully comprehend until now. It's just too vague for me to understand how this could possibly be so. Jane says the problem could be that I may look intimidating especially to those who don’t know me well enough. As to how or why I look intimidating and unapproachable, I absolutely have no idea. I actually can’t see how or why this could be. I mean my teeth are already hurting from smiling too much. My pride has hit rock bottom already from making a fool out of myself in trying to befriend and catch the attention of whoever’s in front of me. Well technically it’s whoever crosses my path. If these aren’t still enough, then I don’t know what is. I really go out of my way to talk to people. Well not all the time, but I try to as much as I can. Sometimes I also have to see and feel how the other person is reacting right…if you know what I mean. I know I can be a bit timid and quiet at times. But that’s not enough reason for people to mistake it for some other thing. Being quiet doesn’t spell I-N-T-M-I-D-A-T-I-N-G. That’s entirely two different things. As I’ve said, I’m no Wonder Woman who’s always in high energy-high spirits all the time. I can’t be the ‘friend ng bayan’ because I’m not. I can’t be 100% jolly and super friendly all the time because I’m not that either. As Darius Rucker sings it, “This is my world, this is who I am. And I’m not trying to give up myself to make your life better, now. This is how it is, I got my own life to live. And you can either accept me or let me go.”

My Big Appetite

2004-10-17T22:28:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been a major eating fest for me. I think I’m bordering close to gluttony. I’ve been eating non-stop…hungry or not hungry. I don’t know where all the extra cravings came from, and to think that I have not been exercising as much…

Take today’s lunch for starters. I had this huge buffet ranging from Italian, Chinese to Japanese. Who wouldn’t go crazy with all the mouth-watering food? I stuffed myself so much that I vowed not to eat anymore for the next three weeks. Yeah right.

But seriously, I better get a start on with this healthy eating thing already. My sister and I have been planning to have this health eating plan which I’ve been postponing since who knows when. It’s actually becoming a routine. Every Sunday, we’d go “Okay we have to start eating healthy on Monday.” Then the whole week goes with us not sticking to the plan, well except for the first couple of days…Weekend comes again, and we’d go “Okay we seriously as in seriously have to start eating healthy already on Monday.” Bad bad bad.

Snooze-Loose Syndrome

2004-10-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

There's this great book written by Cindy Chupack (Sex and the City fans would know who she is), which I'm sure many can relate to...here's one excerpt from the book that I find funny but true.

SNOOZE-LOOSE SYNDROME
Definition: The pressure single women face due to the miniscule amount of time a decent guy is actually available; our lamentable ability to put a guy on hold like a sweater.

: Best illustrated with the quote, "She who hesitates is lost."

: The danger here is feeling that dating is like a game of musical chairs, and you better grab a seat--any seat...quick.

I Want My Pie Too

2004-10-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

I’ve always wondered which one is better, being quiet and moderately reserved or being noisy and outrageously outgoing. Does being quiet and reserved always have a bad connotation? Does it follow that Type A personalities are usually the ones who get to have the first slice of the pie, if not the whole pie? I’d like to think otherwise. Although come to think of it, this is the case most often than not. Some stereotypes are just hard to break isn’t it?

The standard norm these days is to either stand out or get lost. You would have to be more than just a wallpaper if you want to be noticed and be heard. No matter how good you are, you will inevitably get lost in the crowd if you don’t have the "personality" (or should I say the guts) to show what you’re made of. It’s a man-eats-world out there. I’ll surely be eaten alive when put in a room full of Type A people. I can’t bear to compete with such strong personalities. I usually opt to just stay in the background and observe the power playing-attention grabbing or whatever you’d want to call it, take place in front of me. It's more fun. It’s interesting to see how some people want to be in the limelight and be the only star of the show. Take note, the only star. They want nobody sharing the stage with them. It’s just all about them and nobody else. It’s amusing to see how everyone’s furiously trying to grab the attention of a person or of a situation all at the same time.

I don’t have anything against it. It’s perfectly fine with me. As a matter of fact, I’m not one who is comfortable with the spotlight focused on me. I prefer to always fly under the radar…signal can rather be weak and hard to recognize but it’s there, still worthy to catch anyone’s attention. You just have to look closely enough. I guess it’s safe to say that I’m not extremely shy or am I extremely outgoing. I speak up only when I need to. I’ll definitely give you a piece of my mind if I really really feel bad. I do outrageous stuff when I’m comfortable with it. I can be crazy…“walang hiya” (hehe) if I deem it proper.

But then I’m now realizing that I’m not getting all the pie I want. Sometimes I don’t even get to have my share of the pie. I need to be aggressive and grab the pie as soon as it’s out of the oven. Hehe Maybe I should be outrageously loud and be energetically enthusiastic all the time. Maybe I should be perky and act like I've been drinking 12 bottles of Gatorade or something...and speak up even if I don’t have anything to say. Nah, I don’t think it would work out for me... because it wouldn’t be nice at all.

It Could Be It!

2004-10-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

I don’t know if there’s something in the air. I’m feeling somewhat sentimental these past few days. A bit too much for my own good I think. Somebody’s got to bring me back to reality fast. I’m beginning to drift off to dreamland. It had kept me positively up the whole week though (if it’s any consolation)…which is actually quite good. Everything seemed to went by in a breeze as a result. I don’t know if I’m inspired by the recent events or maybe I’m beginning to have peace of mind which has eluded me for quite some time now. Whatever it is, I think it has done me a lot of good.

Inspiration in various forms can indeed be a very pleasant thing to have. Though I don’t think it should be the basis in living out one’s life. You can’t always wait for inspiration to jumpstart your life. You can’t postpone and delay the things you have to do just because of the lack or the need of inspiration. You can’t just sit or stand (whichever you prefer) and wait in vain for it to come. For me, I‘d like to see inspiration as an added bonus...very much like an extra scoop of ice cream on top of my favorite fudge brownie. With or without ice cream, I will still eat it. The same goes for having inspiration—with or without it…I will still continue to live my life in the highest level possible. The inspiration may give me a big jolt or ego boost from time to time, but when it goes…I won’t be sad. Instead I’d be glad that I got the chance to enjoy every minute of it using it positively to my advantage.

HongKong Bridge

2004-10-07T23:11:00.000-07:00

I'm excited at the prospect of working with Jane in HongKong. She's now working as a pre-school teacher at Computer Tots. Jane is encouraging me to give it a try. They are currently in need of a replacement. And I think her boss isn't finding any luck of finding someone who can speak English fluently and teach computer at the same time. Aside from getting to teach kids which I have always wanted to do, I think it would be nice to be away from home and be on my own for awhile. It will definitely do me a lot of good, especially with my sheltered life here in the Philippines which sometimes makes me feel so restricted to the point that I just want to hop on the next flight out and get away from everything. Aside from this, here are the following reasons why I think Jane's suggestion could be a gooood idea.

1. Place
What's good about this is that I don't have to worry about the costs and hassles of finding a place to live in because Jane already has a place. I could just pay rent even if Jane has already offered it for free. Hehe

2. Culture
Being a native of HK, Jane already knows everything there is to know about the place. So I would have little, if not no problem at all with regards to being acquainted with the country. Besides, I don't think I would need any adjustments at all since I have more or less the same cultural background.

3. Distance
It's not so far away from home which makes it easier in terms of making the decision to leave, because I know I could always get on the next plane ride if I wanted to...if I get homesick or something.

4. Work
It would be fun to teach kids. It has always been my dream to become a Pre-School teacher. I'm a frustrated teacher wannabe, fyi. Hehe

5. Experience
It will definitely be a one good learning experience for me...enough said.

Though as much as I want to pack my things and go to HongKong, I can't. I have to face reality and stop myself from being carried away. I just started my job at Smart this week. There's no way I'm going to resign in so short a time. My mom would kill me. Hehe I just can't keep on switching jobs at my own whim. I don't want to be fickle minded, constantly doing different things without finishing anything. If I don't stay put then nothing will ever happen right? I have to be more patient. I guess the best thing to do for now is to stay put and just finish the contract. Then maybe after I could start considering the teaching job. Besides I don't even know if I could get the job. For all I know, Jane's boss would not like me at all.

It will be a million times more fun if Krizia decides to leave her job in the US and goes to HK to teach. I could just imagine what it would be like with us three working and living together...But then I know like me, she can't do that too. It's just not realistically possible. Well, maybe it is...possible. Is it?

Lucky Me Pansit

2004-10-03T19:23:00.000-07:00

I won! I won! Yey! I won first place in our mooncake thing today. I have been playing since I was 4 years old and it is only now that I have won. I'm so happy not only because of the prize I got but also because I've finally broken the spell when it comes to this type of dice game. You see, I don't really do well in games that require nothing else but pure luck. So please excuse me for my excitement and allow me some minutes to gloat. Hehe Well I hope the winning streak continues.

Incidentally, I was just talking to Nicole and Javi last night. I was telling them that I've never won in any of the dice games I've played ever since I was a kid. I told Javi I would give him the mini-ipod if it was the first prize and that is, if I win. As luck would have it, I won unexpectedly much to my surprise! Too bad, the first prize was not the mini-ipod that I was expecting. Hehe But then I would have given it to Valerie, my sister if it was indeed an Apple because she already asked me if she could have it.

They say the more reds you have in one throw, the more lucky you are. I threw all reds, all six of 'em...And I'm considering it as a very good sign. Call me superstitious, but I'm definitely taking it as God's way of telling me that things will be fine. With all the changes that are happening in my life right now, it puts me more at ease. I don't know why or how, but this win is giving me a sense of comfort with lots of luck to boot... that things will indeed be okay in the end.

Life 101

2004-10-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

Due to the culmination of recent events and past events as well, here are the following lessons that had me strongly reaffirming my beliefs on how I view certain things in life.

1. Silence can be your best weapon.
2. Some things are better left unsaid.
3. Pride can be swallowed.
4. I hate controlling and manipulative people.
5. You can’t force people to change their ways or change the way they think.
6. You got to have proof. It’s his or her word against yours.
7. Try and try until you succeed.
8. Life is not perfect. No situation can be perfect. Nobody is perfect.
9. Patience is a virtue.
10. Respect is earned. Trust is earned…and did I say money is earned too?
11. Life is full of ironies.
12. A good attitude is the key to success.
13. Happiness is mostly found in the little things.
14. You can’t have the whole world.
15. Expect less and get lesser disappointments and more satisfaction.
16. Say less, do more.
17. Pain is a fact of life. It can be sweet, bitter, and it hurts real bad.
18. Murphy’s Law is always working at its best.
19. The more you want it, the more you won’t get it.
20. You got to earn it hard, work it hard, play it hard, and live it hard.

Friends

2004-10-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had dinner with Jane and the rest of the MISA people at UCC. I guess you could say that it was Jane’s welcome back dinner. She came back from Hongkong last Tuesday to take a short respite from her hectic work, which I think she badly needed. I’m so happy to see her. It’s been more than two months since we’ve last seen each other. Though I don’t really feel her absence that much because we constantly have updates on each other anyway via our weekly digests with Krizia. I had a good time even if we didn’t get to spend the whole night away since we all had work the next day. It is always nice to just talk, have coffee, and catch up on things with friends. It’s funny how I am beginning to value more the friendships I have now. It’s not that I don’t before, but it’s just that I’m beginning to value them more than ever now. With school being over and each one of us already off to our own separate ways, I don’t know…but I’m beginning to miss the company. Yeah, people would probably be surprised to hear me saying this, but I really do. I find it sad when some friendships cannot withstand the change…seeing the many years that it took to build the relationship all going to waste. I believe effort and communication is important. Without it, the friendship will not be able to survive, much less thrive successfully. I may have lost touch with a couple of good friends, but I’m glad I still get to maintain the friendships I have with some of my closest friends now.

Speaking of close friends, I find it hard these days to be friends with anyone. When I say friends, I mean it in the truest sense of the word FRIEND. Not acquaintance. Not colleague or associate…but someone whom you can be comfortable with and call as your sister or brother…your confidant, your partner in crime, your best friend. Meeting new people is easy. But it’s what you do after the usual “Hi’s”, “Hello’s”, and “Nice to meet you’s” that’s really more important. Most of the time, I meet different kinds of people some of whom I see everyday, while some whom I rarely get to see, and even some whom I get to meet that day only and will never get to see ever again. Yes, they’re nice and friendly. But that’s all there is to it. By the end of the day, they’re just mere faces in a sea of strangers. You don’t know the story of their lives...and sometimes the hell you care right? You don’t know what’s going on their minds. You don’t know their problems. You know nothing. Nada. Nill. Zilch. There are quite a number of interesting people who have crossed my path but whom I never got the chance to know and be friends with and for that matter, to even know their names. I don’t know if it was because of the circumstances during that time or perhaps the lack of courage needed to follow through on it. Whatever reason it is, I regret those missed chances. Now I understand why they say true friends are like diamonds…rare, hard to find, and priceless.

Thoughts on Leaving

2004-09-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

A big load of burden has finally been lifted off my shoulders. I feel light and almost happy. I say almost because I have yet to see the final outcome. I'm crossing my fingers though that everything would work out fine in the end. Things are starting to make more sense now unlike a couple of days ago where everything was just all fuzzy and blurry. The weather has certainly changed from dreary dark to a sunny one. With the talk I had with my uncle two days ago, the pieces are slowly fitting into the puzzle…bit by bit. I have finally made my decision, which fortunately this time everybody happily accepted. Thank God because I don’t want any more disagreements happening all over again.

I’ve got about three more days before I leave my present work. I have vowed to myself that I am not going to entertain any doubts, questions whatsoever with regards to leaving. I will leave without any regrets. I must say though that it was a good two-month experience. I learned a lot of things, from making a PO down to the simple task of operating an electric typewriter, a Xerox machine even. Also words like “PO”, “PR”, “MIS”, and “OFM” make more sense to me now. I’m not as ignorant anymore. It is also only during these two months that I have actually used the telephone more than I have used it in the past 21 years of my life. (My job requires talking to suppliers.) I’ve also grown accustomed to saying “po” and “opo” that I didn’t even notice that I was saying it outside work already even to people who are the same age as me. I was using it so often that it became automatic. Hehe The work was indeed a very good experience, especially for someone like me whose field or course is so ridiculously far out from what is being asked from the job. It did not work to my disadvantage though because it actually provided a good training ground for me to expand my capabilities and knowledge to a different level. I also got to feel how it is like to be an “engineer”. Haha I wish! Well at least I got to be in the company of real architects and engineers, and learned from them mind you. But more than these, the biggest reward I got was the over-all experience that has helped me grow into a better person. I‘ve emerged stronger and more confident.

Badminton Tourney

2004-09-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

Today was the ICAAA Badminton Tournament. I am glad that Candice and I won first place in our level. We started our first game with butterflies in our stomach. But eventually, we overcame our nerves and played well enough to bring the bacon home for Team Globesco. Yey!!! I get to have my first trophy ever...Haha

Aside from winning, I am happy because the badminton tourney kept my mind off on a lot of things. For awhile there, I forgot the problem that has been worrying the hell out of me these past few days. And now that the tournament is over, it is starting to bug me again. I refuse to see it as a problem though because I have already made my decision. I know what I want and I am prepared for the consequences if there will be any. What makes me this confident is because I know that I am not stepping on anybody's feet. I know that I am not doing anything wrong. I just hope that they would respect my decision because it is only I, myself alone who perfectly can tell what would be the best for me. And just in case things don't work out well in the end, at least they wouldn't have the burden of feeling guilty because I have nobody but myself to blame.

Maybe, Maybe Not

2004-09-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

It's ironic how things can change so fast you barely even notice that the tables has suddenly been turned upon you. My new job that's supposed to start next Monday is now under murky waters. This is how it happened. I submitted my resignation letter yesterday morning to my supervisor and boss. After a series of unwanted events which I must say is a very long story to tell, I later found out that my supervisor was made to resign effective that day as well. Then I got a call from my uncle asking me to reconsider my decision, which left me all the more confused. I wanted the new job badly. But I would also feel guilty if I will not give in to my uncle's request. To further make matters complicated, my dad is also forcing me to stay despite my insistence of wanting the new job. Nobody seems to be listening to me! It is so frustrating. Very. I'm not even torn with having to choose between the two because I am not even given a choice to decide in the first place. I feel tied down by their own choices and maybe by their own personal reasons as well. I don't know if I should just go ahead with what I want or if I should postpone my own happiness for their sake. I pray that whatever the outcome will be, everybody will be happy. Including me.

I've learned a valuable lesson from my supervisor's supposed resignation. Greed corrupts absolutely. Greed can give you a distorted view of reality. It can really mess up your judgment of what's right and what's wrong. My mind can't comprehend why some people are willing to give up on their principles just so they could have more in terms of material wealth. Is it really worth it? I don't think so. It's not a healthy way to live life. I can't imagine how one could even face God everytime he or she prays. Won't he or she be ashamed? Besides there are a lot of right and positive ways to achieve material wealth if that is what one truly wants. It is just so unfortunate that because some people are so driven with their own selfish interests, they fail to see this. They are driven to having more and more eggs, even if they already have enough in the basket. While I don't see anything wrong with having more than the usual, I find it unacceptable if one attains them through wrong means. I also find it inadmissable if one tries to justify their wrongdoings with something they perceive would be able to contribute to a good cause. The end does not justify the means! Not always. Anyhow, I believe that greedy people are bound to meet their consequences. What goes around certainly comes around. There will be huge payoffs in the end. There will be painful realizations as well. I just hope it would not be too late for them.

Now or Never

2004-09-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm taking a big leap to the unknown. I don't know what's going to happen for the next days or weeks to come. I just hope everything will turn out well. I was able to talk to my uncle awhile ago. He told me to do whatever would make me happy. If I really wanted to pursue a field that's related to my course, then I should do it by all means. I'm quite happy with the outcome. I'm just a bit apprehensive though because of the contractual thing. I have a 50-50 chance. I don't know if it's a risk worth taking. After all, I already have a wonderful job now. I'm not sure if it's such a good thing to throw it all away.

It's weird how you begin to appreciate more the things that you've taken for granted only after when it's about to be taken away from you. I'm now beginning to question my "career move". I don't know if it's well worth the gamble, especially after having that short talk with Uncle Andrew. He kind of told me the opportunities that I would be missing with my current job. Now I'm having second thoughts. My current job seems to score more good points at the moment, weighing just a little more than my about-to-be job. But then I have not given my new job a try yet. So technically it does not count as fair.

NEW JOB
-related to course
-good good pay
-no Saturday work
-more tasks/work to do
-clear steady career path
-work with schoolmates

CURRENT JOB
-adjusted well already
-good work; not a dull boring job
-loads of good learning experience
-always meet lots of new people
-communication skills are enhanced
-friendly officemates
-whole day Internet access

Life is about taking risks. How am I supposed to discover the unknown if I am not willing to go out of my comfort zone? I may leave a lot of good things behind. But I know I will be facing a lot of great opportunities as well. I don't want to live my life always having to think about the missed and wasted opportunities and regretting after that I haven't done anything about it. There will be disappointments for sure. But there will be triumphs as well. I am fully aware that there are going to be some trade-offs. Life isn't fair. I guess I would just have to deal with it.

On Happiness

2004-09-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

How happy is being happy? How satisfied is being satisfied? I wonder if anyone in this day and age could still ever stay happy or satisfied for long periods of time. When we’ve had enough of a good thing or of a happy situation (which usually does not last that long)…we are on the move again always in search for what would make us satisfied. It’s a never-ending cycle. My marginal utility of happiness is constantly diminishing at such a fast rate. Long before I've even begin to appreciate a good thing or a happy moment, it's gone. It's frustrating to always have to chase after it.

I’ve always asked myself, what would make me truly happy? I really don’t know. How happy is happy anyway? I have high expectations. So being happy might not necessarily be happy for me. There is so much I want to be. There is so much I want to have. There is so much I want to experience.

There are more than a million reasons to be happy about aside from just these alone. I would just have to pay extra close attention to the little things; things that may seem small but contribute the same degree of happiness as the big things...if not even more. Sometimes I feel that I'm failing to see the abundance of happiness in my life...or should I say the excess of it.

Absence should not, I repeat, should not be the main yardstick for happiness.

Big Question Mark

2004-09-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

To be or not to be? THAT is the question. I feel like Shakespeare's Macbeth faced with an important decision to make. I must say I'm at a loss...not for words but for sure answers. It started with a call from Smart today. The girl from HR told me they have a job offer. I was beyond ecstatic. I have always wanted to work for Smart. It was after all the very first job interview I had. Six months after and numerous tests and interviews from other companies after, I finally ended up with an offer. Yey! But then after the good news, confusion began to creep in slowly. I had to weigh the other options I had up in the table. Here's the scenario. I am currently working for a very good company. It will almost be my second month this coming October. My uncle and aunt were kind, very kind enough to give me a job so that I wouldn't be idle. Although sometimes I feel that my "work" is idle...that working didn't actually take all the idle time away. It actually added some more of it. Work wasn't really work. Work was not doing anything. Ironic, I know. Don't get me wrong. I like what I'm doing now, if there's work to do that is. Otherwise, I don't feel productive at all. Then there's the new job offer. I know it sounds to good to be true that's why there's a catch to it. It's not going to be a regular job. What they're offering is just a contractual job, which makes me a little apprehensive about accepting the whole thing. I don't really have the exact details with me yet. They say there's a big possibility of being absorbed by the company in the end. But still...it's a big risk. You could just imagine the million of what-ifs going on through my mind right now.

If it's accepting the Smart job, I am more than willing to give it a try... contractual or not. I just feel bothered by the thought of leaving my present job in so short a time, especially when it was my uncle who offered it to me. I don't feel comfortable with the idea of resigning too soon. I don't know if it's the right thing to do. Then there's also my future after the contractual job at Smart. It's still a big question mark. If they don't make me a regular, then sayang lang din. Although maybe the short contract Smart is offering could also turn out to work in my favor, contrary to what I have initially perceived it to be. Who knows I might not like the job? Then I could always look for other jobs...and this time, I could add my short stint at Smart to my work experiences. So now, what's left of all these is the ethical concern. I don't want to have to explain to my uncle, my aunt, my bosses, my supervisor (Did I mention that she has been very nice to me since yesterday which I hope will continue until forever...I'm now officially taking back what I said about her in my last blog entry.), and my officemates why I'm going to leave so soon already. Although if they would think about it which I hope they do, I wouldn't be a big loss to them. I don't really have any major responsibilities as of now. I'm not even handling any important items at the moment. I don't think they would even feel my absence. Hehe Really...I do not mean to sound degrading or unconfident of myself...it is after all the truth. I'm just stating it matter of factly.

So now the question remains...to be or not to be? To be SMART or not to be SMART? Haha I guess the answer lies where I would be happy the most. For now, I honestly don't know where that would be. That's why I left the decision to my dad. He told me to be SMART. My sisters and friends also told me the same thing. So I think I will be smart...hopefully without regrets.

Damn the Cutter

2004-09-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

I had a bad accident at work today. I thought my whole left thumb would fall apart. Damn that cutter! I was trying to cut the acoustic board to give as a sample to the supplier. But I ended up cutting myself instead. It was actually an accident waiting to happen. I knew I couldn’t cut the hard board with just a cutter. But I was stubborn. All I remembered was that I was bent on cutting the thing, and then the next thing I know my thumb is bleeding already. I thought it wasn't going to stop. The person who was waiting to get the sample must have a scare out of his life. He was actually looking on to see if I had already cut it into pieces. Being clumsy that I am, I forced the cutter into the thick board until the cutter snapped and went straight down to my poor thumb. I actually broke a third of the blade. I left the person outside and went to ask for help. I had blood on the floor and cabinet. I stained my pants as well. It was a good thing though I decided not to wear white today. I was actually wearing white this morning but I decided to change last minute. My officemates were kind enough to give me tissue and alcohol. My boss (not my supervisor…my other boss.) was extra kind enough to help me in stopping the blood from gushing out. She wrapped a rubber band around my thumb tightly. And it worked wonder in minutes. Now I know. Next time something like this happens to me or somebody else (I hope not), I’ll know what to do. After my brief chaotic moment, I went outside to meet the person I left at the lobby. And guess what? He had the thing perfectly cut out. He should have spoken up earlier. My thumb still hurts. It’s literally sticking out like a sore thumb. It’s so painful even with just the slightest pressure put on it. Just moments ago, I used my left hand in stapling some papers totally forgetting about my thumb. The pain was excruciating. It's almost the same as getting your hands accidentally jambed into a door, only this time multiply the pain by ten times. No make that three. Because it's still sore, just a slight brush or a slight bump of my left thumb makes me want to swear !#$%, which I don't do by the way. It's a good thing it wasn't my right thumb or else it would have left me pretty useless the whole day.

Anyways, besides having realized that I should be careful with even the smallest thing such as a cutter…I also realized that I don’t want to grow old single. Haha I know it has no connection with the thumb realization. But anyway, it’s slowly dawning upon me how sad life would be if there's nobody to share it with. I used to let myself think that I could be happy whether alone or not. They say you don’t need somebody to be happy for true happiness is found within the self. As much as I would like to agree, I am beginning to think otherwise. Though I know it really depends on the person's circumstances because happiness does vary from one person to another. But for now, I would like to believe that having a blissful married life is more fulfilling than a solitary one.

Before anything else, I want to clarify that this discussion has nothing to do with my present life whatsoever or is connected in any way to what I am feeling right now. It's just something that I would like to reflect on after having been exposed to more than my usual fare of married people, and where the single people are considered a minority at work. I can't help but compare especially after seeing some of my happy married officemates and then having a forty-plus years old for a supervisor whom I must say, I am not so fond of these past few days. And did I mention that she is is single? Yes she is, and she's giving me enough reason to believe that my theory is true.

Bashketball

2004-09-14T16:55:00.000-07:00

I'm crossing my fingers that Ateneo will win today's crucial game against La Salle. The past two games that I have watched Ateneo play, they lost. I watched them lose their last game to FEU last Saturday at Araneta. As a result, Ateneo has to play a deciding match with La Salle. I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't watch the game today. Then maybe we'll win. That's some wishful thinking. There probably isn't even any connection with my watching the games to them losing. I'm actually just consoling myself because Ma didn't allow me to cut work. My sisters will be watching the game today with Lower Box tickets! Of all the days where we could have gotten good goooood tickets, (I don't think I could overempasize more.) God have chosen it to be today...a Tuesday....when I have work. But it's okay I know I'm going to be rewarded for being good...for not skipping work. Hehe Although if I had it my way, I would have definitely gone to Araneta. If I had it my way, I would have made Ateneo number one in the rankings so that there wouldn't be a deciding match to begin with. Too bad, things don't want to work out the way I want it to be. The circumstances seem to not want to cooperate with me... for now anyway. I guess I would have to content myself getting live updates from the UAAP website while stuck at work.

My friend told me just now, Ateneo is trailing by 7 points...25-32. I just hope it wouldn't balloon into a big lead. And I also hope Cardona will not be at his best today. I hope his teardrop shots woudn't sink in today. I hope Yeo and Tang will make a lot of boo-boos today. I hope Franz Pumaren gets thrown out of the game. Hehe That's what you call bash-ketball. Friendly bash-ketballing. Though I don't think the DLSU team is capable of messing up their game anyway. No team in their right mind would throw away a crucial game such as this one. I must also admit the DLSU players got a bit of an advantage. Though for just a weeny tiny bit only. The DLSU team plays more solidly and more consistently than the Ateneo players. That's why Ateneo really has to win big today because I think DLSU could definitely manage to win two times. They have better chances of forcing a second and a third game on their opponent. As for the Ateneo team, we really really have to win in order to secure the second spot. We'll be damned if we don't. It's going to be harder to get back the momentum and win those two games. But then if Ateneo loses today and slips to third place, I'm still confident we'll be able to get into the championship round, that is if everything goes well according to Sandy Arespacochaga's plan.

Seeing Things Differently

2004-09-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

I should stop complaining. It's not that I literally complain all the time. It's actually more of a thing that I have within myself where I constantly have these 'bickering thoughts'. This usually happens on days when I feel the mediocrity of my life staring at me and all I can do is not much but to stare right back at it...helpless, clueless. Stumped. A flood of thoughts or should I say a flood of complaints usually comes rushing in next. Let's see...there's the what-if's, maybe's, why me's, why this and why that. I find it ironic how I've always managed to question the current status of my life, never being fully satisfied with what I have or with where I'm at despite everything being more than fine and dandy. Somehow even though my life in general may be doing okay, I feel that it does not necessarily follow that things are in the right place and are in order...well maybe not yet for now anyway. So even if I currently have a good job, I don't feel happily satisfied with it because I feel that maybe I could have been achieving my maximum potential by doing something else or by being somewhere else, all of which leaves me more dumbfounded than ever for not knowing what to do and for not knowing where to even begin. (That was too long a sentence!)

Sometimes I feel like a zombie routinely doing the same thing over and over again everyday. Wake up, go to work, go home, sleep, wake up, go to work, go home, sleep...you get my point. I think to myself, maybe I should get a higher paying job or maybe I should get a more fun job, one where it doesn't feel like work at all. But then maybe I'm just so brainwashed with society today where advertisements galore always depict both success and fulfillment as something that is related to a blossoming career, where the ultimate job is getting paid for work that does not feel like one, and where "real" ambition is when either fame, fortune, or position is always involved. Obviously I'm far from attaining any of these, that's why I don't feel satisfied. That's why here I am still complaining.

All of which leads me to thinking that maybe everything is not what it is cracked up to be, that maybe we have reality messed up. If this is the case then everybody's in big trouble. There is going to be some major fixing up to do. The way I see it, having the drive to do something is already a passionate individual at work regardless of the degree or extent of the goal that is being achieved. In my case, it doesn't mean that I am lacking ambition or passion if I decide not to be a career woman and decide to become a teacher or a housewife instead. I may not aim for the highest star, but I'm still aiming for a star just the same...with still the same intensity, with still the same passion no more no less as if I were to become the highest paid or most powerful woman in the land.

Perhaps I should change my understanding of mediocrity, because real mediocrity lies in being indifferent and remaining stagnant with one's life...accepting everything as a given and not doing anything about it. As long as I'm not that, then I guess I'm okay. Perhaps it also would do me a lot of good if I try to switch my noisy inner thoughts to off mode more often. I should just enjoy listening to the silence...This way I don't get bothered easily. And I stop complaining too.

Availability Status

2004-09-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

I always dread being asked about my status (read: availably single, happily attached, or just dating around). It's the follow up questions that further make matters worse. If you have an affirmative answer, the next most likely question would either be how long have you been into it or how many relationships have you gone through prior to the present one. On the other hand, if your answer is a negative one, you would either get the shocked "Why not?" inquiring looks or the sympathetic "I'm sorry." look. I don't know why I dread answering these kind of questions. I'm not sure if it's because of the lack of answers and/or explanations I've got up on my sleeves when asked about it, or perhaps it could also be my fear of being put into a certain stereotype. Some people can be judgmental. They conjure up their own assumptions about you ranging from being too picky for one's own good to being too indifferent to be bothered with matters regarding the heart.

Honestly I couldn't careless about my answer. But when they do the follow ups, that's when I start to get conscious of myself. I get a little disoriented so much so that I start asking myself, what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I still availably single? But fortunately, I don't stay in this place too long. I snap out of it and ask back, why not so? As long as I'm happy living the single life and as long Prince Charming is not ready to drop around the corner just yet, I don't see it as a necessity to have an "attached" sign on my heart. I always remind myself that I can't give in to pressure. I can't go into a relationship for the wrong reason. You cannot just commit to a person for the sake of doing so or to satisfy some urges or what have you. You have to learn how to sort and differentiate the real feelings from the short-lived ones. You commit because you know you seriously and sincerely want it period, and not for any other reason.

Right now, I don't think I do want it just yet or maybe I do. I can't say for sure. I guess I would just have to always have a suitable answer in handy...just in case someone asks again.

Weekends

2004-09-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

It has been a great weekend. Saturday, I got to see friends whom I haven't seen in awhile. I went to Jayan's dinner at Oyster Boy. I arrived late already because I had dinner with my family first. By the time I got there, everyone was done eating already. But it's okay. I went mainly because of the people and not the libre itself. Afterwards we skipped dessert and went straight to my house instead. We karaoked (if there is such a word) 'til late. Javi was the performer of the night, while Sher gave everyone a surprise with her singing prowess. I didn't know she could actually sing that well...as in with all the high vibrating notes. I give props to Javi and Jayan as well for singing even if they were out of tune on some parts and for being unintentionally funny. Hehe It's nice getting together again with the MISA people...finally. I already miss the company especially now that we all have our own respective jobs, everyone's just so tired or busy to update on each other's lives. At least with dinners like this, I don't feel as detached anymore from my social life which I feel, sad to say, is almost non-existent at times.

Sunday, I got to visit my former grade school/high school alma mater again. I haven't been to ICA in a very long time. It's been more than four years now since I left...or should I say graduated. Revisiting my school brought back a lot of fond memories...friends and the games we played every breaks, the canteen food, intramurals, school fairs, prom, ball, and the list goes on. Although it was nice being back again, it kind of made me feel old in a way. I can't believe that I've spent more than twelve years there. I also can't believe I've managed to survive. I can't imagine being holed up to 8-9 hours a day, 5 times a week inside the school anymore. After having a taste of college, I surely wouldn't want to exchange it for high school. There is just so much more freedom in college. Now that I've also graduated from college, it got me to thinking if I've thoroughly lived out my stay at Ateneo.

More often than not, I tend to take for granted the things I have now and then regret later on for not being able to fully maximize the fun happy moments and opportunities while it was there. I have to admit I'm missing college more now especially after having a taste of the real world. I thought that nothing could be as more real as university life. Unfortunately I was wrong. Nothing could have prepared me for the real real world. Being a student is indeed a far outcry from being an employee of some big company which most often than not is ridden with politics. If only I knew this earlier on, I would have savored every minute of my student life. Though a little less satisfied and a few regrets added, I could still say with much confidence that I've done a pretty good job in both of my alma maters. I would never be the me now if it weren't for the experiences and learning I got from my schools.

What actually brought me to ICA was the badminton tournament that my Diko was organizing for their batch. As a support to her, my sister and I joined the tournament. This morning was just for the leveling. The actual tournament will be two or three weeks from now. Candice and I were not sure as to what level we belonged. So we chose the last level, which was class E just so we wouldn't be paired with the people who were already good at it. There were also these two girls(four batches higher than us) who signed in the class E level. We were asked to play a match with them so that the organizers could determine the correct level we were supposed to be in. Luckily, Candice and I won the match. Whoohoo! =) The game wasn't that serious because Crizelle and Cherie were joking and laughing most of the time. I enjoyed playing the game because it wasn't serious at all. There was no pressure to perform well. It was all in the name of fun. After the leveling, we went to Olympic for our weekly cousins' badminton thing and played until noon. Overall Sunday was a good sweat day for me. I haven't had the time to exercise lately, so I'm glad I got a good workout.

Good Things

2004-09-02T21:19:00.000-07:00

It has been a good day for me. Although nothing extraordinary happened, I was in high spirits the whole day. It wasn't the happy 'I'm on cloud nine. I'm on a high' kind. Not that kind of happy. It was more of feeling grateful...gratefully happy to be exact. It's like there's this huge sigh of happy relief that yesterday wasn't a continuation of today...and that I was able to start and end the day positively. I feel 'gratefully happy' that I have had a productive day without feeling sluggish or bored. Perhaps I would have to sleep earlier from now on. Just like what I did last night, because it produced good results for me today.

Since I'm in such a happy mood, I would like to reflect on the many good things in life... both small and big, expected or unexpected. (Thanks to Christine Castro's maganda.org for inspiring me to have my own list too.) This is one way of helping me not forget what I have....and what I do not have as well. Although I think the former compensates so much already that I don't really see the latter as something that is utterly lacking in my life. It's something that I can learn to deal and live with. I think it's just a matter of simply accepting the fact that you can't have everything. By everything I mean both the material and non-material aspects. In life, you're bound to win some and lose some. You can't just hoard all the good things in life. You got to share if not give some away too.

And here are the good things...in no particular order.
- Going home early
- Hershey Bites
- Breakfast / Brunches at UCC
- Rainy days
- Seeing EDSA traffic free
- McDo's yummy chicken (a new found discovery of mine!)
- KFC's Go-Go Dragon and sour cream Funshots
- Having a good laugh
- ipod mini
- Family dinners
- Playing with my nephews and nieces
- Having a productive day
- YM
- Weekly digests with Krizia and Jane
- Wi-fi at home
- Friendly people, friendly strangers
- Having a fully-functioning, problem free PC
- Scoring tickets to Ateneo games
- Having a good badminton workout every Sunday

Rants

2004-09-01T17:09:00.000-07:00

It's the first day of the month. As much as I want to start and end it with a positive note, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to do so. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion today particularly this afternoon. I can't wait for this day to end...well, for work to end that is. I am bored out of my mind already. There's not much to do right now in the office. I thank God for the Internet. My watch says it's exactly 4pm right now. That leaves me an hour and a half to go before I'd get to leave this place. I swear I could literally hear the hands in my watch ticking away...every second. That goes to show that I'm really really bored. So bored that I'm writing this blog here in the office with the hopes of taking at least some of the boredom away. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate work. It's being idle that I don't like. It's okay if I'm at home doing nothing, because that's what you're supposed to do. Be lazy. Relax. Watch TV. But it's a different story when you're at the workplace. You should have at least some tasks to do, enough to keep you sane throughout the day. I don't want to rant about work anymore. It is not my intention to sound as if I have the worst job in the world. I actually do enjoy work if there is work to do, that is. Maybe today's just one of those long and lazy days for me where everything seems to be endlessly dragging on to who knows where. Or maybe it's the effects of skipping lunch. I wasted 67 pesos just for an adobo meal which I thought was chicken, but turned out to be chicken intestines. I thought the first bite tasted funny already. I decided to try another part and it still tasted the same. That's when Jona said it was not chicken meat but chicken intestines. There goes my lunch...and there goes my 67 pesos too...

If only I knew the surprise (which was not so pleasant) that I got this morning was going to be some kind of premonition or something, I would have worked half-day instead. This morning, I got a memo from my immediate supervisor who was told by her boss (one of the two bosses) to make the memo instructing us to adhere by the new strict rules that they've decided to implement in our division. I guess it's effective only in our division since we were the only ones who got the memo which is very unfair. We did nothing to deserve the memo. The memo instructed us to maintain office work ethics at all times which obviously they feel we have not been following. Totally untrue. First, it stated that once we have punched in the bundy clock, we were supposed to be in our work stations right away or we will still be considered late. I must say that the work station is at the ground floor, while the time in/time out is way up at the 20th floor. I don't think there should be any explanations as to why we can't be in our workplace on time. It's self-explanatory. Okay, so say I timed in at 830am. How am I supposed to run down and be at my desk at 830 sharp with all the elevators full during this time? I know I could go to work earlier than 830 but then what would be the use of the 10 minutes allowance time that the company have implemented in the first place? Then there's the no eating of snacks at workstations...only in the pantry. My question is, is there even a pantry in the office? It's so small I can't consider it a pantry. A hallway, yes maybe. But pantry, heck no. There are no chairs...even stools at least. So how are we supposed to eat our snacks in the pantry? I know I should not be bothered by this since I don't eat snacks. But it's just so unreasonable to hear. Then there's also the use of YM, Chikka, and Internet during office hours. This I honestly admit I am guilty of. But then I wouldn't use it if I had work to finish. I'm already old and responsible enough to know when to work and when to play. I only use the Internet when I'm not doing anything. Just like now. And last but not the least, the memo stated that horseplaying was strictly prohibited in the company premises. Horseplaying? I don't think it's the right word to use. We're not even joking or laughing half of the time. I can't understand where they got this idea from. I'm not actually as affected as I may sound. I'm actually pretty amused--but not in an amused funny way...Because it's unfair. My officemates are actually more irritated than I am. I don't know if being new has its advantages since I don't really know the bosses well enough to make a mean judgment of them. I'm not even in my third month yet, it doesn't affect me much especially knowing that I'm not violating any of the rules. Besides I don't really hate the new boss as some of my officemates do. She's actually a kind lady. Maybe the location where our division is situated has its disadvantages. We're directly below the workstation of the boss. So when she comes out to her "veranda" (a term one of my officemate termed...which I found very funny.), the first thing she sees is us. She can probably hear us too. But then I don't see any wrong thing that we have been doing.

I sound like an old rant. I guess today's one of those days where you can't help it. You just have to let everything out in your system...It's a therapeutic way of deleting the day's events and emptying the recycling bin afterwards just to make sure it can't be restored to memory anymore.

Aches and Joys

2004-08-28T23:42:00.000-07:00

I had a very very bad tummy ache this morning. It was so painful I could not move. I also felt nauseous but found it hard to vomit. The feeling was awful. I think it had to do with the shabu-shabu we ate the night before. The seafood were all cooked in my pot, in my boiling soup. Maybe it was not clean. I don't know. After two hours of feeling sick to the gut, I was finally able to let everything out. It was the most wonderful feeling ever. I thought the pain would never end. After the long agonizing period I fell asleep until late in the morning. I missed work as a result. Now I've learned my lesson, and that's not to be matakaw and avoid eating at shabu-shabu restaurants. The only good thing that came out of this stomachache was that I was able to let all the bad stuff come out. I felt a whole lot better and lighter afterwards, especially knowing that my colon is now cleaner...much cleaner than it previously was.

Anyways moving on...we had dinner at Shanghai Bistro. It's Auntie Kathie's birthday today. I look forward to occasions like this because this is the only time where I see my nieces and nephews. I rarely get to play with them. It's only Chloe and Joshua whom I get to see at least twice or thrice a month. The others, I only see them when there's an occasion to celebrate. That's why they don't recognize me. They don't even know who the hell I am. It takes a lot of effort and "bribing" to get them to be comfy with us. Just like Erika and Enrico. They always pout and hide behind their yayas. The yaya says it's because they don't know us since they don't see us often enough. But tonight was a different one. Enrico was a happy kid. At first he was shy. He kept on covering his face. But after awhile, he soon warmed up to us. We played with the balloons. He was actually laughing all the time. Even if we were already about to leave, he still wanted to play. It'll probably be a long while before we'd get to see them again; he'll forget us again. I hope not.

Bee Happy

2004-08-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

I had a pretty good day. I feel happy and light for some unknown reason. Considering it was the first day of the week, work was a breeze. And even if I had to wake up earlier than usual today, I did not feel the day dragging on as it is the case most of the time. Maybe it's because I got to ym with my friends whom I haven't seen for awhile. I also got emails from Krizia and Jane, two of my closest friends who are both in the US and Hongkong respectively. I had a good lunch conversation with my officemate as well. Then there's also the yummy breakfast I had at Paseo before going to work. Although I missed the allotted grace period by a few minutes and had some minor print mishaps at work, everything went smoothly.

I also found out after work that my Amma was planning to give me the mini i-pod for my birthday which made me a thousand more times happier. I wouldn't have to spend out my entire paycheck anymore. I can use it to treat my family and friends instead, and still save up a couple of bucks after. What my Amma said to Ma was really true. Today was indeed my lucky day. I don't mean to sound materialistic and all...But Amma also agreed to have my graduation gift be replaced into a better one...I did not even ask for it. That's why it's just so pleasant and nice today. (There I go again, I can't find a word more suitable than just 'nice' and 'pleasant'.) Anyhow, I thought it was a nice surprise.

I did not expect all these to happen at all. I was already quite happy with my day. For the first time in a very long time, I felt contented with the way things are going on in my life. I don't know if it's just today. I certainly hope not. Maybe it's due to the planets being perfectly aligned according to my sign. Who knows? Haha! Anyway, I'm just glad that today turned out to be an extra happy day for me.

One Big Fight

2004-08-22T22:41:00.000-07:00

Today was the much highly anticipated match between Ateneo and La Salle. I was fortunate enough to score tickets to the game. I was contented already to watching it at home after finding out that there were only Upper B tickets available. But last Friday, we luckily got Upper A tickets, thanks to Aunt Natty, our cousin-in-law's auntie.

I did not enjoy the game that much. It sucks to see our team struggling all throughout the game. They were not even given the chance to lead at least once. From first to fourth quarter, Ateneo was trailing by a large margin. Intal was the only one who seems to be having a good game. The rest pretty much failed to get their rhythm going. At some point in the game, we thought Ateneo had a good chance of making a comeback with only ten points behind down from more than twenty points, but La Salle just snatched it away. Too bad Mac Cordona was just having a very very very good game today. Oh well, "Win or lose, it's the school we choose! This is the Ateneo way!" Ateneo is still on the top of the rankings anyway. No need to fret. We're just tied with FEU now. Watching the UAAP games is always fun especially with everybody getting pumped up to cheer for their respective schools. It makes you feel proud of your alma mater.

Anyways, I'm happy that I finally got the mini-ipod that I have been wanting to get. Goko brought it to the house awhile ago. I am planning to pay for it using my first paycheck. Though I still have to wait for the end of the month because last time I checked, my ATM balance was still empty. So I'm letting my mom pay first. Hopefully she won't let me pay anymore. Hehe Or maybe I'll make a bargain with Ma. It'll serve as my birthday gift already since it's coming up soon. If not, I think this will probably be the only big thing that I'm going to spend for the next several months to come...I would have to reserve my next paycheck for the bank. I've got to save up some money already.

Supports

2004-08-20T23:32:00.000-07:00

I had a major realization today...the importance of support. I've discovered that having support is crucial in my life, especially if it's coming from loved ones and friends. It's the one thing that enables me to keep going no matter how rough the road may be. I've also discovered that there are a lot of good things that can stem from support. Courage, confidence, inspiration, and hope. So when someone close to you does not give his or her full support, it can really break your heart and shatter your self-confidence to pieces. I have always believed that encouragement can bring one to places. A sincere compliment could last up to weeks, even months. A hard and impossible task can turn into a less daunting one if you are backed with full support coming from the people surrounding you.

So what is the point of this entry anyway? Honestly, I don't know. I just wanted to reflect on how it recently played an important role in my life...especially with all the soul searching, job searching, and 'crossroads dilemma' I have gone through these past few months. Some people had been encouraging and supportive of my plans. But some just didn't believe in what I can do. They have never bothered asking what I thought, what I felt, or what I wanted. Instead of pushing you forward, they pull you down. If only they knew what one word of encouragement can do to a person, that just saying "You can do it!" already means an entire lot, and if only they knew how disappointing it is to see and hear someone so disinterested with what you had to say.

Anyways, moving on...I just came back from the small despedida party of my cousin, Kimmy who will be leaving for China soon. I'm happy that my cousins and I are getting to be more than just blood relatives. Although I'm not close to any of them, it still feels nice to know that everyone's making the effort to bond with one another. I always look forward to every Sunday mornings where we play badminton at Olympic. I still remember when we were younger, we used to hang out at Q-Zar (a simulated laser game) in Shangri-la Mall. We even formed a team and named ourselves Q-tips. Those were the fun days. And then there were also the scavenger hunts and overnights at Columbia, which I will also not forget. Now that we've all have grown into adults, I'm glad we have not become strangers to one another despite the different lives we live.

LTO Woes

2004-08-19T23:30:00.000-07:00

I went to LTO this morning to have my license renewed. My mom and sisters also had theirs renewed. Since it's open only during weekdays, I had to call in late for work. I don't know which one was the lesser evil , going to work early or going through the long LTO process. After my experience this morning of waiting for more than an hour just to get a new driver's license, I think I wouldn't mind waking up early for work instead. Pa doesn't even let me drive on my own yet...so why waste my time and energy to get a license that I will never get to use?

I think the LTO has a lot of serious fixing to do. The process just takes too long. Although I have to give them props for making the drug test process more convenient. Last time I got my first license, I had to cross the street and take my urine sample at some small dingy store. This time, they had about three drug test centers with clean bathrooms. Both the medical exam and drug test are actually not that all bad. What was bad were the picture taking, paying, and the releasing of licenses. It takes too long...It is already bad enough that you're waiting in a small area with many people, then you see the people behind the counter moving slow as if they have all the time in the world. Who wouldn't get irritated?

I think they should replace the LTO employees with more efficient ones. They move too slow. They dillydally too much. I also don't know if the old ones should handle the tasks that do not require that much efficiency or speed. I saw an LTO employee (old enough to be my grandfather) handling the computer. He was kind of slow. I noticed him stopping every once in awhile, no, make that every five minutes or so...And what's up with the smoking employees? The place stinks, because some of the LTO officials are smoking inside the airconditioned room...while working.

More than the officials, it's the process itself that needs to be improved. They need to add more resources..Not only do they need to have additional workforce, they also have to add and upgrade their equipment. I figured with this huge volume of people daily going to the LTO and paying around 350 pesos, the agency should have enough money to do the things they need to do in order to make the licensing stuff more efficient and effective. I overheard one man awhile ago making sarcastic remarks. He said it's so ironic how you're paying 250 pesos just so you could urinate in a bottle and pay another 50 pesos just so you could read off letters on the wall. It was funny to hear what he had to say. It actually had some truth in it.

I guess with the inefficient LTO process (probably the same thing also happens with the other if not all the government agencies), there is not much we can do about it. With a country like ours, where corruption exists from the top down to the very bottom, it is just not feasible to move forward and make the whole system as progressive as some of the more successful countries. The budget that is supposed to be for the improvement of the agency goes to the pockets of dirty officials instead. It's really a shame.

I could hypothesize and justify why this is happening to our country. But if I do, this is going to be a one long blog. So I would rather not do so.

Happy B-day

2004-08-18T22:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Ma's birthday. I can't believe Ma is already 50 years old. It makes me feel old too...to think that I haven't even achieved anything yet. And here I am already feeling old. Time really do fly by so fast. It seeems only yesterday when we would go out and eat lunch or merienda at Sweet Haven, Sugarhouse, and Dunkin Donuts. And now, Tin and I are working already. Candice and Val are about to graduate and soon they will be working too. The next thing you know, we'll be walking down the aisle already. I just wish that I'm not missing out on anything. Sometimes I feel as if I'm not fully living my life the way I want to. I'm just breezing through everything without stopping to appreciate each moment and each phase...Now I'm already in my 20's, and I'm wondering what it was like being 14? 18? I can't even remember what I did during those times.

As the saying goes, "Slow down and smell the flowers." I say, what flowers? I don't see any. I've been going through life in amazing speed. Sometimes I tell myself to slow down...and stop thinking ahead all the time. Because I'm always in a hurry to finish this and that, I'm not able to enjoy life meaningfully. But then how do you define a meaningful life anyway? Who sets the standard for this? I don't think I would want to delve into this matter. Opinions vary. This is going to be a very long debate.

One thing's for sure though, in today's world, everybody seems to be in a hurry...rushing to get the much coveted top position in a company, rushing to get a high paying job, rushing to acquire money, fame, love all at the same time..It's like everyone's in a race; you can't slow down or else you'll lose. I admit I was one of those many who succumbed to this kind of mentality. But now, I try to appreciate each day and not worry about the future too much anymore. It's just too tiring anyway. It's mentally taxing having to always think, plan, and analyze every little detail in your life. It can really wear one out in the long run.

Although sometimes I feel as if my life is in slow motion too...It's like standing in line for hours just to have your turn on the ferris wheel...The wait is so long that sometimes you ask yourself if it's worth the wait. You ask yourself when will you be able to have your turn and whether you will actually be able to catch the ride or not. Then you start having second thoughts like maybe you should just skip the line and not bother lining up anymore. Or maybe you should have lined up in another ride...though not as fun but at least it's the one with the shorter line.

Life is truly a one big contradiction.

Anyway, moving on...we had dinner at Top of the Citi together with Amma and everyone else. The sea bass was yummy. I swear I could finish the whole thing at the buffet table. I don't know if it's because of eating just salad during lunch. That's why by the time dinner came, all the food at the table seemed to be so inviting. I think I ate more than I should have. That's the problem with skimming...you tend to eat more after.

Sports Day

2004-08-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

Candice and I joined the PAPM badminton tournament at Olympic today. This was my first time to ever participate in a game. Pa was the one who made us join. I was pretty psyched to play, though a bit nervous of some of the tough competitors whom we saw playing earlier on. Some of them seemed to be experts already. Having learned that there was no leveling, we could end up playing with them. Fortunately, the first two games went well. We won, modesty aside...with not much effort at all. The third game on the other hand, was a tight match. We lost the first set, made a comeback on the second one after Uncle Nelson and Chesca started cheering for us. The last set was a close one. We won by a few points. It was a hard-earned win. Moving on to the final round, the last two games were not as good. I committed a lot of errors which could have been easily avoided. Then there was also the first time jitters as well as fatigue slowly kicking in. Nevertheless, I think we gave them a good match considering that we were only beginners and have had no training or form whatsoever. I had a good time today. It was, should I say, a pleasant experience. I couldn't find a better word for it. Hehe Although it was exhausting, I felt good because of the workout I got out of it.

I was able to catch the last quarter of the Ateneo-UST game. Ateneo won by a large margin. Yehey!! I hope they play the way they did today in their future games. I think we have a good chance of making it into the Final 2. I'm crossing my fingers and making this fearless prediction now. Ateneo will be in the finals...as long as Bugia, Intal, and Tenorio keep up with their big games, while the rest of the team plays smart and consistent.

The PBA All-Stars is on right now. I'm rooting for the South Team, just because there's Alapag, Taulava, Menk, and Hontiveros in it. I hope they win. It is currently halftime and they're down by a number of points. I'm sure they'll be able to catch up at the 3rd and give it a good run. It's showtime!

Idealistically Practical

2004-08-13T22:15:00.001-07:00

I finally got my own place at work. But I still do not have my computer with me. Hopefully by Monday, things are settled already at the office, including me. I was informed awhile ago that I wouldn't replace Jo anymore, which means I would not handle the furniture, fabrics, and all the interior stuff as intially planned. I would instead handle all the office furniture, planter/jars, plants and stuff. My first reaction was disappointment. I would be a hypocrite if I said it was just fine with me. Of course I felt disappointed because the initial job that I was going to have seemed to be an interesting one. It suited my personality well. But after giving it much thought, I decided that this new task that was given to me was a better outcome...me handling the office furniture stuff. It is definitely easier, lenient and less mabusisi when it comes to details. There's lesser pressure as well. I also think that Jo is already doing a good job as it is. So now, I don't feel as bad anymore because I know that I wouldn't be swamped with work or worry about the things I have to do.

Having heard Krizia and Jane stressing about their respective jobs, I took it as a consolation to myself that I wouldn't be as harrassed like them. Well this is how I see it...the idealistic me would have wanted the initial job that I was given with. But then the practical side of me would have gone for the less stressful job. In this case, I decided to compromise my being idealistic. But it's as if I have a choice to make in the first place. I don't anyway. Even if I wanted to be all idealistic, I cannot make it happen. I just follow what my immediate supervisor has to say. So technically the only choice I had to make was either to be happy or be glum with the situation.

Although I have decided to be happy with the situation (yes, being happy is in fact, a decision that one has to make.), I don't know why I feel a bit sad. I'm not sure if it's sadness that I feel. I can't seem to quite put the feeling yet..It's not really about work per se that's keeping me down. I guess it's the directionless (if there is such a word...). The thought of not knowing where to go--which direction to take bothers me a lot. Not knowing what the future is going to be like frustrates me. And even if I do know what I want, I don't have it my way all the time. There are a lot of factors I have to consider.

I wish I know the answer. But that's life. Sometimes there aren't any sure immediate answers. Life is not a guessing game. You can't rush and figure everything out in just one day. There are absolutely no shortcuts to the answers. Sometimes you just have to sit and wait it all out... think hard and wait. And this is precisely what I'm going to do. Wait and be patient. I will try not to anticipate the events of my life anymore. I learned that trying to ride ahead of the waves will just keep me off the board. I have to ride with the wave and go along with it. Go with the flow as the saying goes. Just as it is with life. I try not to expect too much from it anymore. I just live by the day and see what happens next. Things are much simpler this way...with lesser disappointments as well.

Frustrations

2004-08-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

It's the first day of the week..and a number of firsts for me as well. It's my first Monday at work. I've been squatting ever since I came into the office. I don't have my own computer yet. All I have is a table and a chair. There were some additions though. A wastebasket. Three ballpens. A tape measure. And three sign pens. Whoopee! Yeah right. Hehe Last week, I was using Glenda's computer since she was on leave. But today, she's back. Luckily Michelle was absent today. I got to use her computer for the meantime. I just do hope I'd get one for my own use soon... especially with me being new, there are a lot of free time in between. And I hate waiting and doing nothing. Killing time is something I do not like doing. At least with an Internet connection, I could do something. I swear I have never used YM so much in my entire life.

I don't know what's going to happen with the reshuffling thing. It's supposed to have taken effect today but nothing's happened so far. My guess is that they're making the transition slowly...So far the people at the office have been nice to me. I haven't got the chance to really know them yet though, and honestly I do not know if I ever will. Maybe. I hope so.

Awhile ago, I felt frustrated. I don't know if it's the effects of doing nothing...But I felt like screaming because of sheer frustration and helplessness. I felt frustrated of not being able to decide on my own. I felt frustrated of not being able to stand firm on what I believed in. I wanted to delay a little more with regards to accepting this job because I still wanted to try out other job opportunities that might come...But because my dad was making kulit already, I had no choice. I didn't want to have any arguments anymore. As much as possible, I wanted to avoid any fights. When my dad speaks, which he seldom does, you know it's the decision that he makes that will be the last one. That's why I didn't bother defending what I wanted anymore. And so far ever since I accepted this job I have now, I got two interviews (and still counting...) plus a lot of job openings that I wanted to try out. Thinking about it awhile ago at the office, it kind of pissed me off. I felt frustrated for not knowing what to do about the situation.

They say you control your own path...destiny...but I know for sure it was not true for me. No matter how hard I try, I can only do so much. I guess if it is really meant to be, then it will be. So even if you try hard in creating your own course, if it's not part of God's plan, fate will lead you back to where you're destined to be. It's a little disheartening for me to know that sometimes things do not turn out the way you plan and want things to be.

Ateneo vs. FEU

2004-08-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

I was able to watch the game live today at Araneta together with my sisters. Getting Upper A tickets was more than enough already. But getting Patron tickets on the last minute was definitely a big big bonus. I was excited to finally get good seats without having to go through the hassles of fighting with fellow early birds in reserving seats in the Upper A sections as what we have always do in the past games. I noticed that Ateneans are always more excited compared to the other schools. The Upper A always fills up quickly even hours before the game. Another bonus that you get from the Patron tickets is getting to sit in the same section with the former basketball players like Enrico Villanueva, Wesley Gonzalez, Rich Alvarez, Gec Chia, and et al. But I must say the highlight of the day for me was when I saw Paolo sitting right in front of us. I won't mention his last name anymore just in case someone reads this. Hehe

You see, Paolo was...I think my last crush before I left Ateneo. I used to stalk him...I'd always look forward to every TTh, 130-3pm classes because I knew that I would see him at CTC. I also knew that he was a frequent UAAP patron. So it was nice getting to be at close range. I know it may sound pathetic. After all, he doesn't even know my name...not to mention all I saw today was his back! But still...

The game was a close one. There was a time Ateneo led up to 12 points I think. But as usual, FEU was able to catch up. It was a good thing the players were able to maintain the lead...LA Tenorio was the main man today. He shot a couple of 3's...Bugia has not been playing his best for the past few games already. I hope he'll make a big comeback in the next game. Ateneo needs him!! I also have to give credit to the other players. They played with effort.

I'm looking forward to the next Ateneo game. I hope I'd be able to score some nice seats again.

All About Work

2004-08-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

So far, I've been working for three days already. Since some of the divisions in the department will be going through a reshuffle, I was not given any major work yet. I learned later from my head that I was going to be put in the Purchasing 2 division which handles the interiors and furnishings. The other two divisions are the Contracts and Purchasing 1. The Contracts division handles the constructors, building requirements, and etc. while the Purchasing 1 division handles the construction or building materials such as the cement, pipes, and etc. The past three days, I have been reporting to Teena, the Purchasing 2 over-all head. She's nice naman, although I have yet to know her well enough. Let's just wait and see.

I can't say that I am enjoying work. But I'm not bored with it either. It's a whole new environment for me. I've got some pretty big adjustments to do. For one, I have to be more friendly to the people at the office. I am trying to know each one of them, but sometimes I can't seem to break into their circle. It's hard because they have been working there for almost a year. Some, even more than a year. I'm actually surprised with myself. I'm more at ease now with myself. I don't feel the need to be with a group or something. I don't feel uncomfortable anymore when I do things alone. Although I admit that sometimes I get conscious, I am more confident now in my own skin. It's not that I am detaching myself from the others. I do make it a point not to ostracize myself. I still try to talk to people. The only difference is that I don't try to push myself in anymore. I don't know if it comes with the age...I've become more mature now. I don't really worry much about these kind of things anymore. Not that much anyway. I just try to be myself and be friendly. I know I can't befriend everybody on the block.

Tomorrow I still have work. This is one thing I would definitely change about work. Remove the half day weekend work. I need at least 2 days rest to re-energize. I also do hope that by Monday, I would have my own computer and be completely settled already.

First Workday

2004-08-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

Today I officially start work...or so I thought. I woke up early, made my sandwich baon, and went to Achi Cherryll's to hitch a ride with her to the office. It's a good thing she works in the same office or else transportation is going to be a big problem especially with Mang Berting gone for the whole week. And with the different schedules of my sisters, I think Pa should have allowed me to drive already. I've been practicing since...since forever anyway. I think it's about time. It's been long overdue. This is actually one of my biggest frustrations--getting to let my parents trust me into driving on my own.

So there I was waiting for instructions. I was asked to go down to HR to take a series of tests and fill several application forms as part of the company's procedures. Here I was gloating that I would not have to take a single test in my entire life anymore....and now I am doing it all over again. The past two months have been gruelling for me. Having to take long tests that took about 2.5-3 hours and go in for numerous interviews in various companies is something I am ready to be done and over with already. Not only are the exams too long...the wait is also long. You keep expecting to get a call and in the end, they don't call. All the effort, gone. Besides I don't think the tests are a true measurement of your skills and qualities. Anyway, finally after lunch, I was briefed by the HR girl on the company's requirements and policies such as the work hours, allowed leaves, absences, and etc. This is when reality finally hits me...I will never be able to go back to the stress-free life I had prior to getting this job. I can't do whatever I want anymore. Having a job does not seem to be such a good idea after all. These thoughts aside, I let myself be brought down to the Operations Department to meet the main head. He was gracious and polite contrary to what I have been hearing about him. I heard he was a monster. True enough, after several minutes in the office, I heard him shouting at somebody in the office. I definitely would not want to be in that person's shoes. After briefly introducing me to Jennifer, who was the next in line to him...I was allowed to leave early. So there, my supposedly first workday in a nutshell.

Perhaps tomorrow will officially be a workday. There are mixed feelings right now. I feel happy that I am officially off the unemployed bandwagon and now part of the workforce. Woohoo! But I also feel sad knowing that I will not have any free time to do the stuff that I want to do anymore. I can't play badminton with Candice every MWF anymore. I can't watch Friends every afternoon anymore. I can't go to the driving range. It sucks too knowing that my Saturday mornings are already reserved for work. I honestly do not know what to expect from this whole set-up. Perhaps the best thing to do is to expect nothing at all. There are lesser if not no disappointments this way.

Start-Off

2004-08-02T16:24:00.000-07:00

So this is it...finally...my first entry. I have been wanting to start a blog of my own but I just keep putting it off. I have actually grown accustomed to jotting down my thoughts in my journal...diary...or whatever you want to call it. But then having to manually write down my life page after page, after page is just so tiring. Or maybe I'm just plain too lazy.

Going wireless at home recently made me want to push on with this blog thing. I swear wi-fi is the greatest thing that has ever been created on earth. I used to not want to sit down in front of the computer all day long. But with the wireless thing, I could bring the laptop anywhere I want. That is why the past few days I have been in front of the computer for hours. I think I'm becoming addicted to it.
I must admit writing is not my forte. But it is a good therapy for me, especially with a gazillion things constantly running through my head daily. It can be draining at times. And so I deem it necessary to just let everything out...especially the unnecessary ones. It's a quick fix to removing those pesky worries and those irresolvable feelings. It's also a good output for complaining about how harsh life is sometimes. Makes you feel light afterwards.

As a matter of fact, I already feel good now.